well - actually birthday related errands then sleep ( and not the good kind -the new driver's license - paying the car tag kind)

1. Fantastic weekend - we took pictures and we took notes .... blog entries to follow.

2. I'm not working again - let's hope this other gig comes thru - and oh YEAH - i will be talking about my former employer now.

i just talked to stacey and she's almost in louisville to pick up lola ... have breakfast with a friend .... head south to meet up with another friend then further south to some see ME!

i have been requested to replay the famous cul-de-sac flashing experience from the numbers conference ..... which i will of course do - i LOVE that - it makes me giggle.

and i passed the first hurdle for that new job i'm hoping to get - i have an "assessment" on wednesday - cross everything ya got please.

so this weekend's plans include the tatoo we've been talking about for the last 4 months, shiners and burgers, a psuedo/quasi birthday wing ding - including MANY beers and disco bowling, and a bbq at christine's house on monday ( and yes, for those of you playing at home - it's actual bar-b-que .... and fried pickles )

now, back to christel - she lives in texas last night and told me SHE DIDN'T HAVE THE A/C ON!! my polite politically correct answer was .... "what are you in fucking cambodia? turn on the goddamn air"

and i have a quasi serious concern in my head that i need to address - but everytime i say something - it's somehow my fault ... and momma has been down that road before and doesn't wanna travel it again anytime soon...(and it's not about you - you're not that important in my life )

but i'm listening to beach music - have a fan FUCKING tastic weekend to look forward to ... so things are amazing.

and i feel some funny swirling around - maybe i'll share later!

i just won 2 3-day passes for Music Midtown!!!!!!!!!


i'ma see The Pixies, The White Stripes, Devo, Joan Jett,The Killers, Tom Petty, Francene Reed

and and and

KID FUCKING ROCK!

and a whole bunch lot more .....

it's such a good day here in allie land ... i'm at work -BUT it's almost a 3 day weekend ... everyone seems to be in a good mood - which is a welcome change of pace....

i have to go to the store tonight and pick up snacky nibbleie thing for tomorrow and also do some light cleaning ( translation - make sure the house SMELLS like pine sol - and the big chunks are picked up )

*****
did you ever have someone one minute like you - and one minute hate you ... and find out later they still hate you - and you haven't given them 3 seconds of your time....it's interesting....i think that may be going on with me .... seems so high school... a very us and them thing going on - only... there's no reason for it - but whatever...... as i've quoted here before "if someone can walk away from you - let them" poof.

*****
so i also talked to the peanut last night - i dig his wee ass .... always makes me feel sexy and cute - even if i don't feel it myownself - everyone should have one of those.

*****
i'm going to wear my monkey flip flops this weekend in honor of the dancing monkey - and also my newest internet crush Monkey ( check the side bar )

*****
i've also decided that we should ask for 5 person table everywhere we go ... in honor of the girls who can't be here

*****
tell me please (ladies) that this has happened to you - it's "that time" and you reach for the box and it's EMPTY - but if you take a moment and go thru a couple of purses - you can find like 16 of those damn things .... that was my morning - and it makes me LAUGH

****
oh - and why why why - when you start your car and it's on "E" and you decide to go on to work anyway - and get gas near there WHY must you get behind some small dicked ass hole who decides he needs to be the pace car - ( and they seem to always have a fish on their car .... )

****

go here to check our new tattoo and to see the reasoning behind it.

this is obviously one of those add on during the day blogs - so i'm sure i'll be back....

yay me.

answer:


about 4 glasses less than i had last night ....

resulting in going upstairs ( not passing go, not collecting 200 dollars ) and passing out basically.

i think it's happened.

i can't drink like i used to could ... yes, i said used to could.


my head is POUNDING ... and i feel like the mayor of crap city...but somehow, i still look cute -and i'm good with that.

so, my second question is how many advil can i take while my liver is already processing the gallons of alcohol ....

but i'm at work - lunching at the desk ( popcorn - PLEASE soak this up!! ) and listening to the 80's channel on accuradio and i think i'm gonna set the time on the cell phone and take a little nigh nigh...

i stole this from someone on seven's blog - but i don't remember who - but if i figure it out - i'll give credit where credit is due.

Three names you go by:
she who is funnier than you
allie
number 3 ( duh)

Three screen names that youhave had:
wild georgia rose ( lola, swat swat swipe!)
cocktailsandsmokes
and my real one that i'm not saying here - not that it's hard to figure out if you "know"

Three things you like about yourself:
Hair
Sense of humor
Cleavage

Three things you don't like about yourself:
I let people hurt my feelings and i say nothing about it
Insecure
still looking too hard to the approval of men.

Three parts of your heritage:
SCOTLAND FOREVER
Irish
Southern

Three things that scare you:
Clowns
The President
Intolerance

Three of your everyday essentials:
Friends
Laughs
Doggy kisses from mike

Three things you are wearing right now:
My sexy new bracelets
Pink sequined flip flops ( with the heels under the desk at the ready)
Purple Toe Nail Polish

Three of your favorite bands or musical artists :
Jason Mraz
Al Green
Squeeze

Three of your favorite songs:
Unfold - Jason Mraz
How can you mend a broken hear - Al green
Cocky- Kid Rock

Three new things you want to try in the next 12 months:
Getting a tattoo
maybe a piercing
a new job

Three things I want in a relationship:
Humor
Kindness
someone who loves me back - in both friend and lover situations

Two truths and a lie: (in no particular order)
I had a really nasty fall learning to jup horses,and i never tired again
I have sold some of my own handmade jewelry
I talk shit a lot

Three physical things that attract you to the opposite sex:
Southern Accent
Lips
Shoulders

Three things you can't do without:
My friends
My family
Laughing
( and lipgloss and nail polish of course)

Three of your favorite hobbies:
Making jewelry
Playing with the dog
Marathon phone conversations with the girls

Three places you want to go on vacation:
Ireland
Anywhere my friends are
Maui

Three things you just can't do:
go into a drug store without spending money
not ordering a beer with mexican food
turn the channel when kevin spacey is on

Three things you want to do before you die:
Walk on the green cliffs of the Irish coast barefoot, holding hands with someone i love that loves me back.
Build the commune
Find answers to my questions about God

Three celeb crushes:
Kevin Spacey
Will Smith
Chris Noth

i had never heard that phrase before stacey mentioned it the other day. now stacey was a millitary kid, and she say's it's a millitary thing..who knew.

the lasy night while on the phone with christel she told me that she had used the phrase "Jesus is in the details" to which I informed her that it's "God is in the details" and she said how she liked how Jesus sounded better but didn't know what it really meant. See, she's from texas and it's not something they say there.

i have been in atlanta since1979, but as my "people" are from charlotte,nc i tend to claim them too...and we have sayings we have said for years ... like

*Good lord willing and the creek don't rise
* Just cause a cat has kittens in the oven don't make 'em biscuits
* using "fixin to" as if it were a real word
*when describing something large - it's a "big 'ol)
*full as a tick and twice as juicy
*nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs
*Purty as a speckled pup.

i've heard these things all my life ...and of course a billion more that i can't think of while i'm trying to type this ......

what are some of the saying from where you grew up?

and then sadly enough - i must admit that pretty much everything here is true

*******************
Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.

If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.

Remember: "Y'all" is singular."All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.

People walk slower here.

Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy".Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression.
One hundred percent are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

"He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.

If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased

.Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.T


ornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

Florida is not considered a Southern state (except Gainesville). There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

ok still tryin to move the kitty ...

real post is the LDS one ..

but i wonder what kind of searches i'll get on the "masterbating / kitty thing"

just trying to get the masterbating/kittens thingy to move down the page

I have some really amazing girlfriends ( and boy friends too) ( perhaps you’ve heard me talk about them…I know shut up )

Anyway I have special silly things I do with all of them … with chaz and greg we work lines from “Coal Miner’s Daughter” and “Steel Magnolias” and “ Designing Women” into any and all conversations, chaz is one of the sweetest people God ever put on the planet, and greg is funny, way ass funny, consistently funnier than me, almost to the point of wearing adult diapers funny.

Christine has been my best friend for about 13 years now. She came to work in my office one day and BLAMO – friends … and what’s hysterical – we could NOT be more different, C – married/kids A – not so much. C- FLAMING republican A - screaming liberal C- minivan A – not so much C- has guns in her house A – are you FUCKING kidding me? C-2 words “talk radio” / then there’s the all Christian all the time never ending radio station that I am forced to change IMMEDIATELY A – alternative rock radio….or classic LOUD rock

Ann/Dara – that’s about a 30 page blog in itself. These are amazing women – I adore them completely …..and at Thanksgiving – remind me to tell y’all the “who wants pie?” story – it’s a classic in it’s own right.

The Numbers – yes, of course the numbers, in fact 3 of us are getting together this weekend - to laugh, eat, drink, cry, laugh, eat, drink, eat, buy flip flops and lip gloss - and get tattoos.

These are some amazing ass women that I would take a bullet for … duh. However each of us has our own relationship with each other – some are tighter than others, some can’t let a single day go by without touching base 4 or 5 times. I love each of these girls completely, but even I myownself have silly traditions or habits that are just for each other. Mary and I have to scream “BALLS” every time we use it in conversation. (ex. She tells me a story about cooking something and says “then you roll it up in little balls and stick it in the fridge … we’ll both pause a minute and then yell out “BALLS" ) yeah we’re dorks and we’re ok with it. Now Stacey and I are the oldest members of the group – and in some ways we just might be the silliest – one way is we have this things where after either one of us has “ had relations” we have to call each other and tell – when I was with peanut – he went into the bathroom – and I called Stacey… sure did. Lola - she and I are music dorks … when she found “rocketman” by Mraz she called me and I listened to it while in the middle of a bubblebath …. That and we can talk about makeup for HOURS – how can you not love that ……..

And then there’s christel … damn – it’s a good thing we have free long distance – cause we talk – a whole bunch lot.

And we have a new favorite pastime we did it again last night … it was our second venture into “long distance shopping” for some silly reason all of us are addicted to the drug store – walgreen’s in particiular …. And have all shopped together and squealed with glee ….

But Christel and I have taken it to a new level – now I live in Georgia, and she lives in Texas but we still shop together …. We each get on our cell phones and load up into the car – and go to our respective walgreens - then we shop this is how last night’s went ….

A-ohh, Revlon has a bunch of new summer colors out
C -where where
A-it’s on one of the displays right when you walk into cosmetics
C - ok – lemme go back there
then a 5 minute conversation on which nail polish we like best ... then i'm on the shampoo et al site - and i say - my hair is getting a little fly away-ie ... what should i get - then we spend 10 minutes discussing that .... we're beauty supply dorks - and real ok with that. Then we proceed spending the next 30 minutes on the phone in the walgreens discussing everything, like is blush 140 or 130 better for my skin tone ( yes we know each others skin tone and make up habits ) to buying the same nail polish so we’ll match 5000 miles away from each other, to what hair color would look good on each one of us…. Then - TO TOYS … yeah we’re silly ….

THAT is what makes me an LDS … long distance shopper… bad joke – i know shut up.

Some people say “Love makes the world go round” … I say that is true but you also need to toss LARGE amounts of silly in there to have any fun.
4 days and a wake up lola and Stacey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just a little something to think about over the weekend.

( once lauren told me that's what they are called)

my sidebar is a little full...but funny....and mostly on the mark with me

fuckin' duh - i'm the one who picked them out.

so go look at them - then be impressed that i figured out how to do this at all....yay me.

ok kids - remember when i said i was finally going to the doctor on monday?

well i did.

good thing too, i have strep throat, and ear infection, and a sinus infection.

and it has taken all my funny away - i'm hoping it will return later

ALONG WITH THE MOTHERFUCKING AIR CONDITIONER UNIT FOR THE UPSTAIRS WHICH HAS DECIDED NOT TO WORK - AND IT'S GEORGIA PEOPLE - IT'S FUCKING HOT.

anyway the 19th is my anniversary of adopting mike - so of course i'm having my parents over for a cookout ( note i did NOT say bar-b-que) and cake this weekend.

and now i'm off to sleep on the sofa - cause it's cool there.

woe to me.

1. i love that movie...no matter how many times i've seen it i still laugh.

2. i'm actually breaking down and going to the doctor this afternoon - i think my allergies have turned into a sinus infection .... feelin' like hell, and pretty much lookin' it too.

3. i got nothing to blog about today - but i did go to the blog patrol site .... and here's my list of most recent keyword /google searches - laugh amoungst yourselves.


comedy routine" "2 men" (Google)
"I have a friend""best friend""i love you"cards (Google)
"rock star energy drink" caffeine content (Google)
"word play" by jason mraz (Google)
allie is a bitch (Google)
Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend (Google)
Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend- a stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts, and a really pretty ring. (Google)
festival bitch (Google)
gookly (Google)
how to grow fuckin bitch boobs (Google)
mule shoes slapping heels (Google)
naughty allie youngest (Google)
nice allie (Google)
people mookly (Google)
pollen is kicking my ass (Google)
rake "pine needle" (Google)
smart boy (Google)
talking in 3rd person (Google)

i don't talk about work here cause i don't wanna get "dooced" ... but i have to ask - i'm guessing there's some kinda manager or supervisor or whatever who reads this ... and riddle me something please.

Why must there be meetings EVERY friday morning?

WHY?

where i work fridays are the one day of the week where we generally don't see clients, spend the day filing, working on paperwork, following up with clients et al ..... it's the ONE day where we have a little flexibility in our day to get things done .... and WABO - first thing in the morning it's a meeting to tell us all how much we suck, and how easily we could all be replaced, cause the job market is still tight and people want our jobs .......

just asking.

*so this morning i stopped at the grocery store and picked up 3 Rock Star Drinks....is that too much?

*i have superman issues ( don't ask ) and was on ebay - where they had these cute "jelly" plastice purses/tote bag things .... i won a red one for $1.04 and a blue one for $.99 ..... so now i'm thinking i need some blue flip flops- i have some red ones ...i need the blue to match

*i haven't heard from a friend in a couple of days, and i'm starting to get concerned, he either has the hanta virus again - or had a hot date. I'm hoping for #2.

*i have ( i think ) decided that i'm gonna get my tattoo on my left inside ankle - my parents will go APE SHIT - but you know what? in 20 days - i'm gonna be 35 years old ....really, what can they do??

*i'm going to see Patti Lu Pone TWICE this weekend - i CAN'T wait .... her voice is what heaven must sound like

*what else .... that's all i can think of for the moment .... maybe more will come to me when the drinks kick in


site o' the day

I am in a fantastic mood today. I look way ass cute – my ‘buddy’ at work just told me I look hot and “I could sell you today” … I listened to this great cd I made forever ago and it’s got Thompson Twins, INXS, Soft Cell, Dead or Alive, Culture Club, Scritti Politti, Haircut 100 …. And some other stuff that I don’t know yet …. I’ll find out in the traffic ride on the way home.

I’m on I-75 {behind the frekin minivan with the fish on it doing the speed limit in the fast lane, I hope they’re good with the fish on their car and all, cause driving like that will get you to Jesus pretty damn quick) anyhow, I’m singing “what I really need to do is find myself a brand new lover” at the top of my lungs and doin the car dance …. There are worse ways to start a morning…

Would whoever has my glue gun please return it … I feel a craft coming on.
To the people that invented Mountain Dew….i thank you – and my co-workers thank you too
To the tattoo shop- PLEASE let that hot guy be there … he’s HOT!
To the radio stations, could you PLEASE FUCKIN FIND A WAY to not play commercials at the same time
To greg – please come clean my house already.
To the bank – a couple of extra thou showing up in my checking account would be great, thanks
To Issac Mizrahi – will you marry me, I don’t care if you’re gay … I know people who can make that work
To my Chicago connection - call me, I’m worried about you
To the paper companies – can you round the edges so I can go a whole day without getting a papercut … please and thank you.
To the makers of glitter nail polish – thank you


So last night I got some new shoes and a lip gloss ….. the lip gloss is named “sexy” and the shoes were Carolina blue fake Birkenstocks … I figure the lip gloss balances my clunky shoes…..have I spoken before of my love of the target clearance product – the shoes were less than 7 bucks … and the gloss was like 2 bucks… good times.

I have decided that if I don’t get to the beach soon – I will in fact die. So who’s in…I’m even thinking about driving to savannah for the day – just to go over to tybee island, eat fried shrimp until I think I might explode and lay out on the beach for a while ….

I think it’s hysterical that my blog lately had absolutely NO point,,, just a series of thoughts,,,, nothing linking them together except me – but I’m ok with that too…oh, and I’m cute as a button in case you were wondering – I know it’s true cause the peanut said so

Loving you….

i'm eating lunch at my desk ( and by lunch i mean a bag of microwave popcorn and a sunkist) but anyway...sitting and thinking... which is always ( ok, usually, well - sometimes ...... in this case good )

i've had a lot of time by myself this last week or so ( most of it by choice ) and i have come to some realizations. I am SHITTY at picking out men for my veryownpersonaluse.

i tend to dig guys who either:

1. make it clear they're not into the bigger gals ( like i'm gonna change THAT idea)
2. are wounded somehow and like the counselor side of my personality
3. are married ( yes, i know - shut up )
4. live 9 gabillion miles away and neither one of us is going to move
5. live at home or at a really shitty apartment and want to have my house to hang out
6. guys that are just into it for the physical.


so while none of these are tragic, i had a crush on a friend who isn't into the bigger gals ( and that's fine - there are some guys i'm not into - so i'm not making a judgement there ) and we have become really good friends - i trust him with some of the big stuff in my life...the wounded ones, well - that's not all their fault - at one time i think i actually encouraged it - cause i could make him "need" me - actually i could work on their egos so they could go get "that" girl.....the married thing? not my best move ever....but i can honestly say i loved him, totally - had fantasies of him being mine forever...mind you these were just fantasies...we NEVER acted on anything - but honestly there's a huge part of me that knows if he showed up at my door today - i'd SO let him in...the live far away thing, can you say allie setting herself up to fail?... the whole living arrangement thing, i'll be the first to admit i have a great house - i think the numbers would back me up on this also, but it's MY house, not YOURS, not OURS - if you wanna write out a mortgage check or 2 ...we'll talk - and the physical guy, that's fun for about 10 minutes, then you realize, he doesn't really like me, i don't respect him - he only calls when he wants a little action....and hell sometimes i want the action too..but - i like other stuff also


so i guess i say all of that to say this.

i'm ready for a relationship with a man that is available and that i care about...romantically. so if you know anyone...send him my way.

***********

ok - enough of that sap.

i listened to my new cd mix in the car on the way to work today - put a hitch in my giddiup.

yay me.

Happy blog…

With no specific point … but who cares

.So today in the mail I got a package … a cd mix made for me … and buddy if you can include LL Cool J, Public Enemy, old school Beastie Boys, AND BARRY FUCKIN MANILOW…well then sir - I shall be forced to fling my panties at you

I have a dog with addiction issues. Mike is addicted to mint oreos … wonder WHERE he got that from

I talked to the peanut for about an hour tonight - a solid hour of hearing how great you are WILL put a spring in your step

Some of my girls are coming to see me in 17 days … and we're getting our tattoos …. The star that's the logo in the store.

I now have the record as the girl with the most shit in her car … not actual shit silly reader …. But let's say I somehow get trapped in either the desert or the mountains - my dog and I could both survive for weeks.

Listening to Marshall Crenshaw reminds me of the good times in high school ( and makes me wish my friend from that time would e-mail my ass already )

Watching "nanny 911" has helped me come to terms with the realization that I'll probably never have kids … the risk of spawn seems way too high

A dog, even one you adore breathing heavily on your legs begging for the last oreo - will get on your last fat nerve - even if youre not fat … I'm sure you have at least ONE fat nerve - and it will work it.

Why do I still know ALL the works to Rob Bass's "It takes two" … as in "I wanna rock right now, I'm rob bass and I came to get down, I'm not internationally known, but I'm known to rock the microphone" …. BUT I could not remember the quadratic equation if my hair depended on it

Why, when I was the n*sync fan … is #3tx married to a guy who looks like Joey Fatone, and they adore each other … like seriously… …BUT I can say that they have BOTH touched my boobs, slept on my sofa, and I have kissed them both smack on the mouth

I have tickets to see Patti LuPone this weekend - BOTH Saturday and Sunday nights … hello, my name is allie, and I'm a broadway nerd….i will work a showtune into a conversation - it's part of my charm deal wid itI

have tarot cards but I haven't learned how to read them yet - but #3ky can read them.. AND SHE SHOULD BRING HERS WITH HER WHEN SHE COMES HERE

I collect baseball caps …. And when my dad and I go to games, we wear matching caps… shut up - he's my dad and I can do what I want

I have a friend who has been thru some real crap lately - and guess what?Game Over, She Won…so put THAT in your hair dye and bleach it.

Put that in your hair dye - I just made that up - that's funny …. And considering my hair hasn't seen it's natural color since 1983 .. it's extra funny

I have a blogger crush on Monkey … which is funny cause I don't know anything about him, except that he's funnier than me…

ok - that's all i got for now.

….to getting thru depression

*realize that although some things are fun to have sitting on your chest – the bus of depression isn’t one of them*

*when you’re feeling icky – CALL UPON YOUR FRIENDS. They will be there to help you … help you get thru the ickyness …help you get that new tattoo …help get you off – whatever.*

*If you’re not in a relationship ( or hell maybe if you are ) find someone cute to flirt back with you – hearing how great your rack is, or how your hair is excellent, or how you have cute feet .. will put a hitch in your giddiup*

*Buy new lipgloss …. It ALWAYS fits, on fat, skinny, bloated, puffy…whatever day – the gloss will fit*

*Same goes with purses and nail polish …. Shoes can be good – but fit can be tricky*

*Give yourself a deadline to be over it … even if you have to fake it – be over it*

*Make your battery supply is well stocked.*

*Make sure the shower massage is working and the water supply is strong*

*Get dressed…put on make up = all of it .. it’ll help*

*Listen to HAPPY music .. I have a fantastical 80’s cd for this purpose … you cannot be sad listening to haircut 100 and scritti politti*

*Eat something from all 4 food groups. Cheese, fried, chocolate, crème filled*

*Stay AWAY from people who will judge you … judgement and questions can happen when you’re feeling better – when you’re in the hole – TRUST ME – it feels like one more person jumping your shit – and not in the way that requires a lubricant*

*Wear really bright or wild colors on your toes … glitter and rhinestones are good too – but remember – the rhinestones will come off if you wear closed toe shoes*

*Remember everyone has at least 2 people they can call on that will never forsake them – they go by the names of ben & jerry*

*Did I say call your friends, cause you should… and if you think you don’t have any – email me – I’ll be your friend*

*If you have a monkey – touch it*

*That was to see if you were paying attention – but if you have a pet – play with it – that’s the best kinda love – totally completely unconditional. Amazing*

*For women ( or hell, men too ) put on your sexiest undies …. And if you can think about it …. Wear a skirt with no panties at all – kinda fun* and boys - if you're sporting the kilt - let this girl know please, momma LIKE*


And if you’ve done all that … continue to take your meds … and call one of the numbers … you will laugh until you pee upon yourself … and know that you are loved.

Feel what you’re feeling …. Then call me – I got something you can feel ;)

Bastard people.

As Stacey taught us months ago, the Bastard People are from Bastard Lake Minnesota. I have decided that this is also where pollen ( or if you’re the person that made the sign in Columbus, GA “polin” ) come from.

Pollen is bastard people too because it’s been kicking my ample ass this year. I should have bought stock in Kimberly-Clarke because with all the damn Kleenex I’ve gotten … stock prices are sure to have risen.

So it’s been another night of shitty sleep ( but luckily Kristen was up way ass late too and we chatted for a while)….and I have a few things to rant on.


People who are funnier than me – FUCKIN STOP IT – the funny is the majority of my act.

People who still have car alarms – no one runs outside to check if your car is being stolen – the noise just makes our dogs bark so FUCKIN STOP IT

People who work in cube farms and make that “hocking” sound ( you know the one ) when they have something in their throats ( FUCKIN STOP IT)

To my eyebrows – how how how is this possible. I am NOT a hairy woman, yet every morning – there is a stray one of you that I have to pluck … and yet the hair on my HEAD is taking forever to grow.

To the makers of no-chip nail polish – quit fuckin lying to me

To my dog – ENOUGH WITH THE SHEDDING. FUCKIN STOP IT

To the weeds in my front yard – I pay Chemlawn $34.00 a treatment to kill you – Fuckin die already

To chemlawn – KILL the fuckin weeds already.

Can you tell I’m home from work today – and don’t feel all that great.

so i stole this di-rectly from the blog of #3tx's brother and i really like what it says.. good hints to live by ... and some ( of course ) have commentary from me.

* note * i don't know who wrote this...if it was a man or woman...but here goes....
****************************************

Good Advice for those who need it...
30 THINGS GUYS SHOULD KNOW ABOUT GIRLS:

This was written by a guy who has had years of experience.

1. Whatever you do, don't just show up at their house...they run around in their underwear just like we do. (ok, that right there is good advice - cause we also go makeup free, might have zit cream on or be in the middle of waxing something)

2. DON'T CHEAT ON THEM. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, they WILL find out and you will be mud. ( we will find out, and you WILL be punished, maybe not now...cause now is too obvious - but we will ALWAYS know what you did...ALWAYS, read this- A-L-W-A-Y-S...your wife/girlfriend has to get over it (if that's what she's decided to do)- her friends DO NOT)

3. Beware of every single male relative and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your ass at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn't even wait for the damn hat. ( again, see rule #2)

4. Never miss an opportunity to tell them they're beautiful. ( this will get you so far, do it when we're not expecting it - but you think it...when we're playing with the dog, or just being us - without all the bells and whistles.)

5. Don't refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, it's because they're jealous. ( be PROUD of her, show her off )


6. If they slap you hard, you deserved it. ( DO NOT HIT BACK )

7. Don't be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they're going out with you in the first place, it's because they like being in your arms.( sweet gestures { ie hand holding} is preferred to the boob grab)

8. If you don't sleep with them, do not tell your friends that you did. ( one of your friends will know one of our friends, and friends talk)

8.5 If you DO sleep with them, don't tell your friends that you did.( and for the LOVE OF GOD - don't show them the pictures)

9. You can be dirty minded in private, really...most of them are not offended by it... ( quite on the contrary actually)

10. Not all of them eat like birds, a lot of them can eat like whales. (DO NOT EVER USE THE WORD WHALE.)

11. Most of them don't mind paying half of everything, but they do discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and your friends will know you're a pussy.. ( if we asked you out, we don't expect you to pay - and usually we will offer some money if you've asked us out - but you really should be able to afford the beer if you asked us)

11.5 Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay all the time!( at least offer all the time - a real woman wants to spoil you also)

12. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend- a stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts, and a really pretty ring. Even if it's not a serious relationship. ( earrings count)

13. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you're dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren't dropping her off, call to be sure she's home safely. ( seriously, do this)

14. If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to beat the shit out of him. ( we will find this hot, and it will get you laid)

15. If you're talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer. ( refer to the girlfriend AS your girlfriend and have your arm around her, hold her hands something while you're talking to the other female.)

16. Never, ever slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you're so dumb" or something, never make any gestures back. (EVER)

17. Go to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn't care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went. (again, this will help you in getting laid)

18. You're dead meat if you can't get along with their pets, parents, and best friends. Be prince charming to their friends, Mr. Polite to their parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals. (never underestimate the power of the dog, cat, whatever ..... dog doesn't like you - owner doesn't either)

19. Don't flirt with their moms...that's just freaky. (ew)

20. Don't be freaked out by PMS. It's not gross, and it really does make them feel like shit, so be understanding. ( it lasts like a few days .. be patient and provide chocolate - this would be a good time to throw that"you're beautiful" phrase at them.)

21. If you don't like the way they drive, you do it. ( open her door for her, we like that)

22. If you're officially dating, and you're introducing her to your friends, you'd better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend. ( i don't think i should even have to comment on that one)

23. Don't stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you. ( money doesn't always equal a good date ... sweetness goes WAY far)

24. If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without being asked. ( again, with the getting you laid)

25. Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle. ( you're stronger than you realize)

26. Memorize their god damn birthdays. You forget her birthday and you're basically screwed for life. ( while this is true - some women use this as a weapon - stay away from them)

27. Don't marinate in the cologne, but smell good. (clean is good )

28. Don't give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas or Valentine's day. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it has to be meaningful. Jewelry is always nice. ( jewelry is nice, but we know not everyone has tons of money - just don't make it an "airport" gift)

29. If you think the relationship isn't going to last, don't wait to find out. It will only hurt you more if you draw it out. ( seriously - this one is really important - don't string her on)

30. After you've been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond. ( real fuckin' true) { see the cheating comment }

“They say I’m cocky and I say “what” it ain’t braggin if you do it and you back it up”

Evidently I’m channeling my white trash side today – and I’m ok with that. I listened to that song this morning 3 times in the car while chugging the rock star drink…and wondering WHY must all the radio shows play commercials at the same time and TALK TALK TALK … it’s not talk radio … and no I don’t care about the run away bride. I liked the movie … that’s enough ….

So yesterday was one of my god daughters birthday’s … she’s 9 NINE…. Oh my good goddamn …. So she got nine presents from me – and since I’m the coolest thing in her world ( and yours too whether you realize it or not ) I got her 3 lipglosses and 6 nail polishes … and her first piece ( I think ) of serious jewelry. Ok so that’s 10 to the math nerds … and actually I got her an outfit too – actually I told her mom “I’m in for 20 bucks get whatever that will buy” I have 2 goddaughters and I adore them both – have a day – any kind of day – then have a 9 year old and a 4 year old run to see you throw hugs around your neck – then wanna sit next to you at dinner …. That’s a good goddamn day. I LOVE other people’s kids. Then I brought home the chicken from my salad to my dog … and mike went INSANE – like he’s never had meat before – and we KNOW he has, he goes to wendy’s once a week for a jr cheeseburger …. Yeah I spoil him, shut up – I’m single, employed, in my mid thirties, and I can do what the fuck I want to. Yay me.

And after the pasta fest for the birthday girl – and I did the home stuff – I ended up …yes of course, on the phone …. Talked to Chicago mary for a while … MAN, I haven’t caught up with her in forever –so that part was good. Then to christel – who made me laugh until I snorted. I hope you have a friend like that – one who makes you laugh so hard you run the dog out of the room …… then talked with Stacey … who ohmydamn she’s what I want to be when I grow up – she’s a real grown ass woman … I’m working on being that – in some ways I’m so grown – and others – still such a child – and not in the good way ….. oh and check this, while I’m on the phone with Stacey – the pizza boy calls…. whatever…. He called later that night ---- he’s so dead to us now. He just needs to realize this….

But in coolness – I found another twin- and very potentially another number…or at least fraction in Kristen. I think it’s so cool how this blogger/internet/chat thing can bring people together – I’ve met some wonderful people this way .. and it’s cool as all get out….

Ok the rock star drink is wearing off – I’m off to do the dew … but I’m feeling highly chatty today – so feel free to email me all day long ( hint hint )

And tex, good luck with all the school stuff – get it done and return to me.

first of all...

TIE A YELLOW RIBBON 'ROUND THE OLD OAK TREE......

is a song about someone coming home from prison................

ok that said


I wanna talk about ribbons.

On cars

The magnet ones

I have seen the following on the road.

Yellow – duh
Camo – duh
Pink – breast cancer
Red – HIV/AIDS
White – lung cancer
Lavender – ovarian cancer
Puzzle pieces – autism
Paw prints – animal care
Green – environmental issues…


Ok – I’m done.

I think they’ve lost some of their significance…

And I have some new ones I’ve been working on to bring the significance back

Barbed wire – friend/family of prisoner
Bitemarks on edge – dental health
Blurred edges – vision health
Shaggy edges – sorrow for bad haircut
Smeared colors – poor make up application – OR putting make up on in the car
With the word “rybin” – for illiteracy
With a ‘hemp’ print on it – legalize drugs
For women – a woman giving “oral love” with a red line thru it – so the man knows not to ask
For men – well – the same thing really
A silver ribbon with a bull on it – driver under effect of red bull
Hawaiian print – operating on island time – do not follow
Mouth on it – driving while talking on the phone
With “coffee cup rings” on it – driving while buzzed on the gogo juice

So I’m thinking of more – and as I do – I’ll post them here…

My life by MAF

Ok – so not the whole life – cause I’m saving those essays for the book – but how about the last 5 months... and well - just some of the part of that .. but i had the urge to write these down so i did.

They were the worst and best possible. One time ( not at band camp) I read on dusty’s site – that when he was asked by someone was this his best year ever. And he said “so far, I haven’t seen next year yet though” or something to that effect – he was saying that this was the best.

Well this last 5 or 6 months has been tough for me – but the best in lots of ways too.

Without lots of gory details … here’s a quick breakdown.

*I almost lost my house
*My best friend had the biggest stones in the world and saved my ass
*I found out that I can love someone, totally, and still know they’re not right for me and not make them wrong for that
*I had my heart totally broken. Seriously. Painful. Real
*I picked myself up, brushed myself off, slapped some color in my hair, and marched, head up – tits out.
*I learned I can survive that.
*I realized that my friends love me for who I am, not what I have, or what I can do for them
*I realized I would do ANYTHING for them
*I had the hardest time with my parents I’ve ever had
*I hated them for a while
*I’m pretty sure they hated me
*I had to start taking serious amounts of medications for the depression
*My parents and I are well on our way to good again
*People will not make fun of you, but will be there to help you if you will let them
*The universe puts people in our lives for a reason, listen and you’ll find out what that reason is
*I CAN be friends with a boy. And it’s a kickin – if not sorta weird thing
*I like me.
*Just as I am
*Realizing I can do better, but ok with me right now
*That shows thru in me everyday
*I have a glow of happy
*A couple of weeks ago – I had a glow of peanut
*I still have that some
*SO SO SO glad he’s my friend.
*Have I mentioned the numbers yet? I discovered with them, a trust, and a friendship, and a sisterhood that this only child never had…never knew… never understood until now. I would gladly give a kidney, take a bullet, shave my head, give up everything I have for them, each and every one
*I learned that I can be trusted with the most private of secrets
*I learned that I can be the one people come to … and I have people to go to.
*I learned that I don’t have to love my job to be good at it
*I don’t have to like people to be kind
*I have to be kind
*I learned that acting out with boys when you’re not happy is fun for about 17 seconds - then you realize you’d rather be watching tv
*I remembered how very powerful words are, and how words put to music can save someone’s very soul.

I learned that I love me.

So, this has been the best 5 months ever.
Thanks for listening and being with me thru them.I love you all dearly.

Ok – so I wasn’t there - cause I don’t go to weddings … at least until I find the man that’s to be mine or one of the numbers renews their vows or stacey and I finally just get married already – neither one of us is gay – but we wear the same size clothes …and both love makeup and hair products – I think I can build a life around that…..

But the parental units went to a family wedding where it was said ( and I shit you not )…. { by the minister,preacher, pastor whatever)

Now that “x” and “y” are in front of us …

let’s “get r’ done”

and scene.

There’s so much I want to say – but really. On this one – I got nothing. And by nothing – I mean I have SO VERY FUCKING much to say that if I start I will not ever be able to talk about anything else – and I don’t wanna start that.

Ok what else – had dinner with ann and da this weekend – I could adore them more- but I’m not sure how … they even have a sexy new convertible BMW that I can’t be all the jealous about – cause when I saw myself in it- I really saw how very cute I am …. Well if not cute – hot. ( but who are we kidding – was cute too)

And I’m still basking in the post peanut glow – is that wrong … he’s a fun one. So lemme answer my own question – no that’s not wrong… wanna know what is wrong – when someone (pizza boy) comes over and is not here for 5 seconds before the hands go to the boobs…needless to say – so I’m going to say it – he went home blue and pissed – cause you don’t go straight for the boobs and get what you want. Boys, be subtle. And 9 times out of 10 – go slow.

Lauren and I are dorks. We’re ok with it. We have an unnatural love of the mraz. Not in a sexual way necessarily – but in a please oh please oh please write more music – play more concerts – and of yeah – if you need to crash at my house – that’s cool too…we’re both on the mraz mailing list – and saw that he joined a forum for musicians and their fans to talk – so being the dorks we are – we joined - and HE ADDED US AS FRIENDS. In a “could we BE bigger dorks” kinda way we are now close personal friends with Jason mraz.

Yes you may touch us. Some more than others!