It’s been quite the weekend. Not in a “I went to New York to do some shopping and catch a show” or “ We needed some fun, so we took off for Vegas” weekend. But a good one nonetheless. I went flying ( yes FLYING ) in a wee tiny ( 4 seater ) plane on Friday with a friend from school, it was amazing. I’d only been in large planes, and then only in those a few times. This was a totally different experience, and it was great. Atlanta really is a beautiful city, I’m so lucky to be in a place like this. I think it set the weekend off on a good note….it was interesting personality/company-wise, but great. My friend from school is a sweet girl, and hey, her friend was a pilot, so gotta love that.
I did lots and lots of introspection this weekend. Not the bad, “ugly cry” kind …although that usually turns out being wonderful – this was just the having the time and patience and concentration to think and write and process. And somewhere along the way, I realized that everything isn’t GONNA be just fine. It’s just fine now. There are things that with surface thought I would change, but then when I really think about it – obviously I wouldn’t change them, cause I haven’t. I’ve had the weekend of happy. I’ve spent time with friends, and family - laughed with and counseled friends on the phone, dog sat mike’s brother, ate meals with my best friend and her kids, listened to music, read books, did some journaling, read lots of blogs, found some blogs of friends, and it’s still all just fine.
If “he” makes himself known that’s great, if not, well – that’s ok too.
If I get more dogs, that’s great, if not – I ADORE the one I have.
I’m taking classes in a field I LOVE, and researching what I have to do to have my own company
I’m content in this house for now, and willing to release it for a different location.
I still think the “I’m so happy to see you” puppy dance is the best thing in the world, and I get that more than once a day.
As crazy as my family makes me, and I’m sure I make them crazy too, they love me, and like me too.
I’ve let go and forgiven people who have wronged me, ( whether they think they did or not ) and I can now say I honestly wish them well ( I still wish them away, but well)
I’ve almost forgiven ME for some gigantic mistakes.
In classes, we’re doing these “ethics” exercises, which while I think they’re juvenile and silly – and nothing like anything we’d have done on a daily basis in “real” college - they are kinda interesting. Many of these exercises really seem like giant “meme’s” to me and they ask personal information, that I’ll be the first one to say, I outright lie about. I took too many undergrad and post grad psych classes, and employment psych ( psych in the workplace ) questionnaires, wrote too many of them, and studied too many to not be able to tell what answers they’re looking for, and in most cases go ahead and give to them.
That being said, I have spent some time thinking about one we did a couple of weeks ago, which was basically a list of adjectives and we were to match them with how we see ourselves, then have others answer with how they viewed us, and to see if there was any correlation between the two. I’d admit, I wasn’t honest with my answers, I just looked for the most “ school appropriate” answers…but it made me think. How WOULD I describe myself, in my most honest raw and unfiltered ways. I think my natural tendency is to let my mood dictate the answers. I’m in feeling blue, or depressed the answers mirror that. If I’m feeling strong and fearless, the answers mirror that feeling too. I guess that’s normal and most people react that way also…..I guess I say all that to say I finally realize that things are just fine. The sad of life is normal, and the happy is too. And I think finally I have some balance in that.
The happy allie was gone for a very long time. I thought maybe she was gone forever. I know parts of her have been left along the wayside, and I can see exactly where and when she left. I can see where her heart was broken, and where scar tissue remains. I can remember where parts of her dream died. But recently the happy me starting coming back around. I’m ready to have her back. I haven’t forgotten the things I’ve seen and done that brought the depression bus around, and I understand why I got on it, strapped in and rode for a long time. But, the joy is overpowering the sorrow. The feelings that things are good, and more good times than I can count are on their way, and I’m open to them…..is a good feeling. I know that I, like most people, have deep scars and hurts, and broken dreams – but I’ve decided that I’m not letting those things rule me anymore, I’m not defining myself by those things, either consciously or subconsciously. I didn’t realize what a noose they were around my neck until I let myself think and feel and be in the space of the horrible…..then release it, and enjoy the good that’s coming into my life to fill up the ick.
Now if I could only get that “other” thing filled up ( ah, I slay me )