i sometimes think people get this really diffrent version of who i am that what/who i really am.

i tend to act so "big and bad"

but i'm a total wuss.

not from people who call me sewer trash or tell me to fuck myself.

but from people who's opinion i care about.

i get my feelings hurt so easily, and when it happens, my gut reaction is to hurt back. and that's really stupid - cause then there are 2 people who are hurt.

i've said things on this blog i wish i never had, and i've not said things i wish i had the stones to say.

i had a kick ass chat with kristen tonight and she made my week and i can't tell her how much that meant to me. then i was what felt like judged my someone whom ( who?) i adore....and i was too hurt/chicken/whatever to talk about it.

let's just say i've had one shitty year and let's cut allie a little slack huh?

so today could have been icky - it started with a trip to the gyno ...

i'm sure all interested parties will be relieved to know that my cervix is fine, even after my so called miscarriage ( cause yeah, i'm going to make up something and THAT'S gonna be it....)

now i'm on red bull 2 ... listening to al green - and sending dirty e-mails with a new "stranger/friend" that i met this weekend. we're having a a rousing conversation on "landscaping" i crack myself at the conversations i get myself involved in.

oh - and i got my ear pierced - the cartilidge ....

it didn't hurt getting done - now hurts like a MOTHERFUCKER.

just sayin.

how cute is this new template.

i think we all know who put this one together for me - our waterlogged friend from New Orleans .... Se7en ...... it's so me don't ya think?

thanks 7 - it's fantastic - and i love it.



( real post coming later today )
sit back and laugh. cause this shit is funny.

ps- where the hell is tex?

ok - i've spoken to tex - he's ok ... i can't get thru to 7 on his cell...

friday could NOT get here quick enough brothers and sisters.

but thursday wasn't so shabby i had:

1. a rock star pedicure
2. wicked good sex
3. chicken sammich

sexy feet, screaming the name of our lord ( while pretending it was dave nararro on top of me ), and a good sammich after .... AND going home to sleep in my ownpersonalbed when i was done.


some days it does NOT suck to be a grown up.

good times,

and WHAT it's payday?!

and i'm taking a work buddy to get her first tat tonight .... and i'm thinking about getting something pierced....a hitch perhaps?!

a day makes.

well - if not a day - a suprize phone call from a long missing friend ... and a HUGE energy drink in the morning.....

the 'drama' is still swirling around.... but whatever...it's gonna be what it's gonna be - and for a while it's gonna be MAJOR disappointment and really bad hurt feelings .... but i'm just gonna be me and hold my head up high ..... as always - head up, tits out. ( and my hair is big - and my tits are bigger ... so that's a yay)

so i need someone's son this weekend.

don't ask for what.

just keep your head down - and keep the secret.

any takers?


**** question ****

why come you can have a pair of undies that you've worn before and they're fine - now all of a sudden they crawl right up your butt - and you're forced to throw them away and have commando day???

you bitches knew i couldn't stay away.

i did find an outlet for some stress - so that's cool.

and i'll keep not posting about work here....so that's cool too.

so i'm back

and to quote my beloved lola

suck it bitches.


and i mean that with all love and christian kindness of course - now show me your boobs!

i'm not updating anytime soon.

deal with it, i might start a new blog and give the addy to people that i "trust".

but i'm not trusting again for a very long time.

don't ask.

welcome to my 8-5 world.....






so i've decided today is going to be a good day. send out the goats - the goat rodeo is no longer welcome here.

love it, kiss it, smack it.

first of all - lemme thank tiny and aunt tasty. i cried on tiny's cyber shoulder last night and came this close to calling him and crying for real - then i decided to spare him the drama ....

and called stacey - crying WEEPING woe -is - meing ..... last night.

i hate introspection.
i hate 2nd guessing myself and everyone else.
i hate depression.


but i LOVE walgreens.

yup - sure did make a walgreens run before work this am.....wanna know what i got - glad you asked.

4 nail polishes
2 lip glosses
1 eyeshadow
2 magazines
energy drink
ORANGE CREME FLAVORED HERSHEY'S KISSES .... yeah that's right.
and work candy ( ie - life savers .... which are stored in the superman lunch box)


one of the magazines was a cosmo - cause when you're feelin icky - let's read about how to give a better blow job ( as if better than me was possible, really, seriously. i'm that good ..... remember what judd said about fat girls and blow jobs )

and the other one was a men's magazine ( not that kind ) ... but i got it 'cause it had Mark Ruffalo on the cover.

oh.
my.
damn.

i think he's so way cute ( i think we see a pattern of the cute, smart, dark haired boy here)

so, while the same issues are bothering me today as last night....i have about 6 million grams of caffeine in me, looking at a cute boy, and planning on cocktailing until someone loses an eye this weekend.

good times.

TINY IS MY FAVORITE NOW AND FOREVER. LOVING HIM!

i made the WAY premature rookie move of looking up cabins for a fall getaway.

have i mentioned before how much i ADORE the fall? and the mountains? and that first day when it's chilly in the morning and you can see your breath?

i know people who live where it's cold talk about the summer daydreams of being outside and the sun and all that stuff....

i myownpersonalself, live where it's hotter than the hammered down hinges of hell -and i'm waiting with baited breasts for the cool days of fall.

pumkins
socks
plaid
cider
big bear hugs
dare i say camping.

i want it to be cold out
i want to go to asheville
i want to own a cabin
i want it to have a hot tub on the deck
and i want to go NOW ( with a boy )

Probe.


i saw it on msnbc.com talking about some paula abdul drama ... along the lines of "after the probe, it's determined that ms. abdul will remain as a judge"

where when i hear Probe - i'm thinking alien abduction and resulting "tests"

then i remembered that ford used to make a car called "probe"

what?

so ala pee wee's playhouse ( sidebar - i still have a talking pee wee herman doll - suck on that suckers ) whenever you hear the word "probe" today - scream real loud.

{ i'm thinking this is a pretty safe word unless you were recently abducted and are going to be on a talk show about it = or have to have some procedure that ends in "oscopy" )

{ no offense intended or implyed to anyone who has been probed, knows anyone who has been probed, enjoyed performing the probe themselves or has in anyway been affected by probes in this or any other life)


***************

new topic:

i went out with "that guy" this weekend, the one i really liked that disappeared - we had many pitchers of beer and caught up some. i like him. damnit. i do.

***************

if you haven't had a drink in a few months - don't START back with 3 pitchers of beer - your head will thank me the next morning

***************

rockstar diet tastes just like rockstar regular

****************

i have a new superman action figure sitting on my computer protecting the cuticle from evil do-ers.

***************

i have discovered the problem with a short haircut - my hair grows REALLY fast ... and it's almost time for another cut already

****************

i now have the cutest feet on earth ( and no christel, i haven't seen yours - i'm sure they're hot though )

I am 20% White Trash.

I, my friend, have class. I am so not white trash. I am more than likely Democrat, and my place is neat, and there is a good chance I may never drink wine from a box.

Take the White Trash Test @ FualiDotCom

this has been an interesting one.

*i have developed a full on "star" crush - with someone who i have a feeling is probably an ass in real life - but on tv seems pretty damn funny.

*i had a headache that would kill a normal person -and found out those could happen pretty often for the next several weeks from the hormone shift due to the miscarriage.

*i went and saw a friends dog that is very very sick and might not be around a whole lot longer and got lots and lots of kisses and love.

*i realized how much i really do care for a sweet friend of mine - and discovered, or re-discovered how cool it can be to be friends with a man...tex really is a darling man and i can't wait to dance at his wedding ( unless of course i'm still alone, then i'll stay home and stab BIG pins into the voodoo doll ... just kidding..or am i)

*i decided while i don't care if i'm "thin" i need to be healthier - and actually mean it - and that sorta scares me - cause what if i lose weight and i'm still not with "the" guy - i've blamed it on weight all these years ....

*i learned all the words to "wig in a box" and "origin of love" from Hedwig....and they make me happy

*i am still rockin this super cute short hair cut...who knew

*i realized that i have mastered the art of 'walking away' from people who irriate me instead feeling that i must confront them

so it's been a good week and an ok week... i think this introspection thing leaves something to be desired - cause being aware can both suck ( and not in the good way ) and blow (again, not in the good way)

Who is the marketing genius behind the “Rooms to Go” commercials.

If you don’t have this store near you let me a.) bid you “CHEW ME” ‘cause you don’t have to hear this shit daily and b.) paint you a loverly picture of this commercial.

There is a man and woman on a sofa ( way too happy about this sofa unless it’s vibrating or has a hidden keg in it ) and the assmonkey sales lady in a chair next to them….

And they start breaking into song … to the tune of “tomorrow” from annie.

Yeah.

That’s right.

Something along the lines of “ deliver tomorrow – rooms to go delivers it tomorrow, when you buy today” then the delivery truck driver ( who I have on good authority is NOT a member of the teamsters ) starts singing too…

Well fuckers, what do you do when I burst into spontaneous uncontrollable diarrhea from this adventure in advertising…

You know they have a song for that too…
“when you’re sliding into home –and your pants are full of foam, diarrhea, diarrhea.”

ok - so i saw this on someone's blog who knows the dude seth from 'kept' - and she had this to say about him (she knew he would win)

"Because he is the funniest man that I have ever met and he takes over a room effortlessly and without remorse. It is his nature"

i don't know why - but i think that's the best thing to say about someone....i think i used to be a lot like that - and working on getting "that girl" back. i can see her ... she's close by.


ok - totally new topic ... which i'll be adding to as the day goes on - so will lola.

Sometimes little nuggets of information come into ye old melon and I have to speak about them.

This little bit has to do with online chatting/dating.

I belong to a couple of online dating services, and actually have met some really cool people on there – some became boyfriends, some boy toys, some – excellent reasons for situational homosexuality.

Nugget 1. when you’re im-ing someone for the first time … do NOT use the “ R U” for “ are you”. I’m not a teenager – I’m thirty fucking five – write out the other 4 letters. It won’t affect your carpal tunnel I promise.

Nugget 2. DO NOT I repeat DO NOT ask me how big my boobs are. If you ask me, you will NEVER get to touch them.

Nugget 3. do not ask for my phone number – if I want you to have it – I’ll give it to you.

Nugget 4. do not play the “pitiful pearl” card when I have to get off the computer. I might be playing hard to get, I might not like you, I might have to pee.

Nugget 5. if you cannot type – DON’T … if you can’t ‘speak’ proper English, don’t talk to me ( this is for if you are a native English speaker – many considerations will be given to others – smart money is on your English being better than my whatever it is you speak)

Nugget 6. Do not ask me anything about sex. Unless lola and I are using our fake names and have met you in some deviant sex chat room and we’re using you for our own personal cat toys … do not ask.

Nugget 7. don't ask me if i have a webcam - even if i do - chances are i'm not showing you.

You Belong in Rome You're a big city girl with a small town heart Which is why you're attracted to the romance of Rome Strolling down picture perfect streets, cappuccino in hand And gorgeous Italian men - could life get any better? What City Do You Belong in? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

1. Superman - what is it about that idea that is so attractive? is it the saved/hero thing .... the swooping in at the last moment and making everything ok ?

and

2. the bad boy. what is it about the drinks too much, smart ass, party boy that i think is so damn cute?

i'm sensing a therapy moment to try and figure this one out - but bring me a "bad boy" with a superman shirt or tat on...


panty.
flinging.
moment.

****ATTENTION*****

to the sick fucker who is searching for kiddie porn and found this blog - i have followed the lead of a dear friend - and you have been reported - and in case other's are interested in knowing who this sick fuck is ....

here's the IP

82.103.65.2

so my "main gays" were here this weekend....and the only way it could have been gayer is if i had actually slept with a woman this weekend. my inner gay man was FULLY released and he sashayed all over this city.

friday the boys got here and brought presents for both me and my dog. ok. let's start there - i LOVE that. so we yakked and laughed and chatted for a while - then to dinner ... one of those japanese steak house places .... and although i already mentioned it on the comments in the last post - greg referred to my asahi beer as my "Japanese Big Gulp".... damnit people, that's funny - i don't care who you are.

Saturday started with brunch at the Flying Biscuit - and eye candy for DAYS - although atlanta is a very gay friendly city - we were sorta i the heart of it ... while waiting for a table - we wandered to Outwrite ... a ( can you guess ) gay bookstore and coffeehouse .... where greg got season 3 of wonder woman on dvd ( and yes, he TOTALLY did the spin back at home for me), and a re-mix cd ( that i managed to get to stay here)...and i found the Hedwig and the Angry Inch soundtrack - YAY ME....

Then off to Lenox ( of course ) and the pilgramage to the holy land .... otherwise known as Crate and Barrel, time was well spend at Illuminations, William Sonoma, White Barn Candle store, Sephora ( where i am now wait listed for Jonathan Product - shampoo, conditioner, and dirt .... ( again with the yay me ) more shopping ... then to lunch/lupper at Roaster's for some bear watching ... i myself am about the pretty boys - but when in rome and all...

then nappage for them - pedicure for me .... and out to the eagle for the boys ....( if you lived here - you could be at the eagle RIGHT NOW)

anyhow - it was a great weekend - i have some great friends - and i'm so very very thankful for them..and greg is still funnier than me and that kinda pisses me off - and chaz is sweeter than i could ever ever be .. his momma did a real good job with him.

now y'all come see me.

i'm so looking forward to my weekend with my "boys" .... we have the best time together - if you hear screeching laughter this weekend - it's from me. Greg makes me laugh so much - i almost can't take it - almost.

and - i smell a new piercing this weekend - something that will look cute with new short hairs!

a little pic of mike to start - cause i can.

This is what I like to call – random.

So I have always admitted that I’m pretty much a 16 year old kid – who is biologically old enough to buy beer, smokes, and porn.

But I still sometimes have the sense of humor of a 16 year old. Case in point – I was watching “kept” ( shut up ) on VH1 the other day when Seth ( my personal favorite – I think he’s such a cutie….) …. Said

“ See ya later, Masturbator “

see, to me that right there is way ass funny – I hadn’t heard that since about grade 7 …. But I found it so funny I had to call lola and tell her about it.

It’s been my favorite phrase for the whole week – but it’s hysterical – I have to measure who I say it to … (remember I’m at a new job and have new “people” ) but it still makes me giggle - I love the reaction when I say it to the new folks.

Oh, I have a new addition to the cuticle of fun…for my birthday peanut sent me a superman lunch box … ( mind if I say “yum” ) and it’s now sitting on my desk next to my Labrador-Buddha and the office crown … when someone here asked about the lunchbox – I just said – I have superman issue …. Then took a moment for me …

Ok what else…OH this is big. I got a haircut – seriously. It’s short. I haven’t worn short hair in about 10 years … and to tell the truth – I’ve never felt cuter. I know haircuts aren’t the best decision for a post drama incident – but wow – I’m cute…seriously. Y’all are lucky to know me kinda cute – I called Stacey and told her however cute she thought she was – she was now 5x’s cuter cause she knows me.

And and and – my favorite beloved gay boyfriends are coming to see me this weekend – and we’re going to THE MISS COBB COUNTY PAGENT …. Seriously. We’re so gonna be asked to leave – but I can live with it. It’s my unyielding prayer that we get some good old fashioned “talent” at this gig – I’m talking tap dancing, clogging, baton twirling ( I might just wet myself if there were some batons on fire )…. You know I’ll update next week about that kinda fun.

***sidebar*** so i was looking for pics of seth on line - and i saw on a VH1 message board ( shut up) that he has a blog somewhere - i'm not knowing where that one is....BUT - i did see where he won - and that makes me happy - cause DAMN he's a cutie ....oh and i also found out he was the #1 choice of hottie in a gay man's survey.

i like who the gay men like.
what
a
shock

this is what we like to call a flashback... and a future wish ......
now mary - come out come out wherever you are!

so remember the guy that i really thought was "the" guy?

well he played that great disappearing game. and it hurt my feelings more than i really wanna admit - BUT....

last night i broke down and called him. i knew his birthday was last week and i called to say happy belated birthday....so here's how it went down.

i called and left a message on his cell phone - about 10 minutes later he calls me back ...

and the small talk begins...

how are you -blah blah blah

me - how was your birthday? what did you do?
him - it was ok - i didn't do too much?
me - why not
him - well, i was low on money and didn't have anyone to do anything with.

really.

so we know where i gotta steer the bus with this one.

me - you know i'm gonna ask - so what happened to make you take off - was it something i did.
him - no no no it was nothing you did, you were perfect.
me - well, i was fine, i don't know about perfect
him - you were great - don't worry that it was something you did
me - well, worry is a strong word, i was just curious.

him - when things get too good, and i feel like i'm getting really close to someone, i take off -cause i don't want to be hurt again.
me - so let me make sure i'm getting this. you like me. a lot. you think this was going somewhere good. so to save possible hurt feelings, you take off and dump me so i won't dump you.
him - well, something like that.
me - is this something that happens everytime you really like a woman
him - yeah
me - well tell a girl that up front next time.

*********************************************

what the hell is that take off cause things are good thing? or the take off at all? i don't get it - i spoke to a male friend of mine last night ( who has done that SAME goddamn thing ) and he couldn't explain it to me.

so i'm opening up the floor for discussion.

So I have something huge to write about – and I’m trying to decide on just how to approach it. It’s something that was both good and terrible – and I of course had a sense of humor thru the whole thing – and that again, is of course the only way I survived this past month.

So this last month was really tricky for me- as you might be able to tell from the lack of blogging and the sort of quiet-ness that’s been going on around me. And as we all know, I’m not quiet. This is something that not even all the numbers know – cause I didn’t myself know how to handle it or talk about it.

So a while ago – like 5 weeks I’m thinking it was, I realized that my period was late. Like way late, and my body felt different. I talked with the guy who I had been with – that we might have a problem. And actually he was way ass cool – scared to death too but cool. We decided to wait another week and then I’d go get a test. Well, anyone who has known me for more than 1.5 seconds knows I’m NOT patient. And of course the next day went to get the test.

And it had those 2 goddamn pink lines on it.

Imagine my full on freak out – cause it sho’ did happen. I was pregnant, with child, knocked up…. I called ann and dara – screaming crying – and they were of course perfect, said, sit still – we’re on our way. You gotta love a friend like that. My first reaction was “get it OUT” I’m going tomorrow and schedule the appointment to get this taken care of. Then of course the brain got going, well, maybe this is my chance to be a mom, maybe this is my last chance, there are single mothers everywhere and if they can do it so can I, I have LOTS of powerful men in my life that could be father figures, you name the thought – I had it.

Then finally after a lot of soul and I mean A LOT of soul searching – I decided I could not be a mother right now. I didn’t see adoption as an option – and I scheduled the abortion. Ann took me to the clinic – where she sat with me and waited and waited and waited, I went back for blood work, to pee in their cup, to pay my money. And then for an ultra sound……at the ultrasound I was told that there was one of 2 things going on….i was either a. not as far along as they thought or b. there could be something wrong.

And they sent me home.

To wait

For 2 more weeks.

Quite possibly the 2 longest weeks of my life.

I had to reconsider everything – was this god’s way of telling me to have the child, was this a sign, was it a sign to wait on the decision,what, what , what.

I was scheduled to go back last Friday to have the procedure done. Last Tuesday I started bleeding, and on Wednesday I miscarried.

That was probably the happiest I’ve ever been to see gladys.

I didn’t have to make that decision – or go thru with it – it was made for me.

I went to the clinic on Friday so I could be seen by a dr – and there was nothing there ….. my body had taken care of this on it’s own.


I know many people feel many different ways about this – and remember, this is my blog – I can say what I want – if you don’t agree – write your own blog.

But I’ve never been so sure that this has to remain a choice for women – and men.