Monday, August 01, 2005
very personal - might not stay up here long.

So I have something huge to write about – and I’m trying to decide on just how to approach it. It’s something that was both good and terrible – and I of course had a sense of humor thru the whole thing – and that again, is of course the only way I survived this past month.

So this last month was really tricky for me- as you might be able to tell from the lack of blogging and the sort of quiet-ness that’s been going on around me. And as we all know, I’m not quiet. This is something that not even all the numbers know – cause I didn’t myself know how to handle it or talk about it.

So a while ago – like 5 weeks I’m thinking it was, I realized that my period was late. Like way late, and my body felt different. I talked with the guy who I had been with – that we might have a problem. And actually he was way ass cool – scared to death too but cool. We decided to wait another week and then I’d go get a test. Well, anyone who has known me for more than 1.5 seconds knows I’m NOT patient. And of course the next day went to get the test.

And it had those 2 goddamn pink lines on it.

Imagine my full on freak out – cause it sho’ did happen. I was pregnant, with child, knocked up…. I called ann and dara – screaming crying – and they were of course perfect, said, sit still – we’re on our way. You gotta love a friend like that. My first reaction was “get it OUT” I’m going tomorrow and schedule the appointment to get this taken care of. Then of course the brain got going, well, maybe this is my chance to be a mom, maybe this is my last chance, there are single mothers everywhere and if they can do it so can I, I have LOTS of powerful men in my life that could be father figures, you name the thought – I had it.

Then finally after a lot of soul and I mean A LOT of soul searching – I decided I could not be a mother right now. I didn’t see adoption as an option – and I scheduled the abortion. Ann took me to the clinic – where she sat with me and waited and waited and waited, I went back for blood work, to pee in their cup, to pay my money. And then for an ultra sound……at the ultrasound I was told that there was one of 2 things going on….i was either a. not as far along as they thought or b. there could be something wrong.

And they sent me home.

To wait

For 2 more weeks.

Quite possibly the 2 longest weeks of my life.

I had to reconsider everything – was this god’s way of telling me to have the child, was this a sign, was it a sign to wait on the decision,what, what , what.

I was scheduled to go back last Friday to have the procedure done. Last Tuesday I started bleeding, and on Wednesday I miscarried.

That was probably the happiest I’ve ever been to see gladys.

I didn’t have to make that decision – or go thru with it – it was made for me.

I went to the clinic on Friday so I could be seen by a dr – and there was nothing there ….. my body had taken care of this on it’s own.

I know many people feel many different ways about this – and remember, this is my blog – I can say what I want – if you don’t agree – write your own blog.

But I’ve never been so sure that this has to remain a choice for women – and men.

posted by Allie @ 8/01/2005 02:15:00 PM


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