Not in a hootie and the blowfish kinda way – but seriously.

There are some very important things I wanna discuss with the Creator.

Like my uterus.

I’m not using it – I’m getting older every SINGLE day – and I’m running out of time to use it at all … so why am I still getting PMS?

I’ve often said I should be able to keep my uterus in a jar on the shelf in the garage. I have a perfectly good one that I’m not able to use – why not let someone borrow it for a while ….. and spare me the weepy hormones.


*****************************************************************
And on a happier note ….. judd got married. …..

This made me weepy too – and cause I’m a dork and like to act like we’re actually “friends” he and I e-mail back and forth every so often – and each time I get a letter – I’m giddy like a school girl and my nipples could cut glass (wait, I’m pretty sure that last part is period related too … but it was good for the story) but I wrote him the letter of congratulations … and he seems happier than I’ve ever seen him before … it’s cool when you get to be a voyeur on the dream coming true – good luck and a lifetime of sun rises and sun sets in the arms of your love.

So it seems love is in the air.

And so is passive aggressive bullshit….sniff the air – smell that …. It’s passive aggressive bullshit – starring – BOYS …… people, I smell a tony.

But I have mint oreos and diet coke – and I don’t have to be at tomorrow’s training until 8:30 …. And we all know the walgreen’s opens at 8:00.

To all my blog friends – I do owe y’all apologies – I’ve sucked lately at reading and commenting …. I hope to be less involved in my own stuff – and can get back to being jealous of everyone who is funnier than me.

and that should tell you the merits of this blog entry - but it's for me ... so there :)



I picked a bad day to quit sniffin’ glue.

Or a bad day to try and eat better …. Not in the “I’m gonna get all the food to my mouth and spill none on the shelf “ kinda way – but the let’s not eat an ENTIRE package of oreos for breakfast ……

So that’s that … but otherwise it’s a good damn day – following a good weekend – I took it easy Friday night and had a couple hundred thousand margaritas at my neighbors house – how many? A bottle of Jose and a bottle of Grand Marnier’s worth – that’s about 3 drinks too many …. And a missed shopping trip with my beloved christel – who needs to get off of Mr. Fatone – and call me back.

Saturday was interesting – the boy came over and we cooked on the grill ….. I think I like him more than I want to admit and I can FEEL the walls coming up … and I can FEEL me reading into everything – and I’m starting to think the “he’s just not that into you” may have been written by the devil ….. or says things I don’t wanna hear – or can read way too much into …..

Sunday was a fabulous day of laze. Some friends called in the afternoon and said that I should spend gay pride day with some real live gay people – so I did …. My civic ( and fun ) duties accomplished …..

Girls, expect the PMS ( and late gladys ) call … it’s been building up ( fuckin’ duh ) as if you couldn’t feel it!

i just wanna take a moment before i begin the whole "getting ready for work" ritual.... to thank tex for doing this blog template for me .... i couldn't get it to work to save my soul.... he tinkered and tinkered ... and now i'm in purple heaven.

thanks tex

madley fixed one of my pictures so i can post it here...

of course she fixed it like 2 weeks ago - and i'm just now getting around to checking that email account to see about it - but still

we love her for doing that - and she's officially my favorite for the day.



this first week with the new gig has been great - and how cute is this .... the new boy informed me last night that we've "been together" for 2 weeks ....how cute is that. ( insert "aw" here )

I’ve been shamed into blogging – so blogging I must.


I have been negligent in my writing – but in my own defense I have been pretty damn busy …. And with the WORK as in the new job ….. not with doing sit ups on the new boy.

( and yes, there still is a new boy, and I’m digging that)

but here’s my list of what I’m NOT digging.

1. it is hotter than the hammered down hinges of hell here. WHY WHY WHY …. And why am I not used to it? I’ve lived here most of my life … and I’ve lived in the south my EN-tire life … and I still hate the heat…..
2. and a terrible thing has happened at 35. I can no longer strut around in heels the way I “used to could” I actually bought 2 pairs of flats today … and one pair is big and clunky – I’m sure they’d make christel moist.
3. believe it or not – as I’ve gotten older I talk less and less ( well at work – I’m becoming the “if you have nothing to say – say nothing” person – why why why have I been teamed up with chatty cathy?….but but but this gig is so great – I’m so happy in it – I can’t even begin to say how much – I feel like I’ve won the job lottery


( just knew the list would be of 3 things didn’t ya?)

anyhow – at work – I don’t have a “space” yet – so I have no computer access – and the dial up at home is really slow – so I’ve been slacking on reading and commenting on blogs too – but I’m gonna make that up this weekend – so prepare ye the way of the comment.

Lovin you!

ok - it seems the crisis has quieted down to a dull roar .... while this post was angry - and i try to not operate in angry - it seemed to have served it's purpose - and i'm going to take it down - if anyone hears about it or wants to read it - email me ... i'll show ya.


but on to other things..

i start the new job tomorrow -and i'm much much excited about that .... i talked to dande on the phone - tried to call chicago mary ... and either talked or played phone tag with the other numbers .....

i'm still digging the new boy .... and we like that.

and happy father's day to all the dad's out there - especially mine. i love you daddy.

ok - so i suck and i know that, and what's more...i'm ok with it ..... BUT i have had an eventful week ... wrote a blog about it - wanna hear it? here it go.

So job information first ....

I GOT THE JOB! and this is how cool things are- my last check from the 7th circle of hell comes this friday ...and my new job starts on monday ... and here are the things to know about my new job.

1. i will make more money now than i did when i worked downtown
2. the office is 4.8 miles from my house - this includes NO interstate
3. i will be working with people i have known for a couple of years who i like and who like me
4. HAVE I MENTIONED THE COMMUTE!?!?!

so today i had to swing by the new office ( how much do i LOVE saying that?!?! ) and pick up some paperwork - then go to pee in the cup to prove i'm not on drugs except red bull and prozac. why are these testing clinics always in some scum of the earth building... i walk into the office -and it's just teaming with e-bola and other air born haz-mat suit diseases ... anyho, sign in and wait in the annex part of the waiting room, cause there are THAT many people in there. and the nurse-type lady behind the counter says - who is here for a drug test related to employment....there were 4 of us, and she had us come to a different counter, and we were all out of there in about 10 minutes ... but NOT before some trailer/ghetto superstar decided to get loud cause we were "jumpers" ... so sorry sister - suck on it.

anyho, short version is i start work on monday and i'm SO excited about this job ... things are turning around

and speaking of turning - well not really, or well - maybe =)

i put an ad in yahoo personals, last week on like wednesday or something like that. and saturday night i was home skulking around on line and i got a "ping" from someone - we chatted, and seemed to hit it off, we chatted again sunday morning ( now realized i have HUGE stones behind a computer screen, and on the phone - but not so much in person ....anyho, he asked me to lunch on sunday....and i gathered my whatever and said "sure" and i met him for lunch. was GREAT. we spent the whole afternoon together and that night he asked me to his house - and we watched "catch me if you can" ... and he invited me back the next night.

i think this could be good. we talk daily - and he's coming here tomorrow ..... please cross 'em if you got em.

so new job and new boy - boy that i like and likes me - and lives in this very town ... 35 fuckin' rocks.

and what's better than that? free clothes. that's what.

dad said he wants to buy me some new work clothes...who am i to tell this man no?! so mom and i are going shopping in the morning for me and for father's day whatnots....i looked for something for dad this afternoon after the drug test - but came up with nada. i'm hoping that shopping with mom , means mom pays for it....a girl can dream.

so anyway - that's my week so far .... missing you, loving you!

morning...

not as excitng as saturday night....but i've been up just long enough to take mike out - hop in the shower - and get on this thing.

so it seems the picutes in the previous post were all jacked up ... but they look fine on my computer - whatever - just come see me and i'll show you the pics ... they're mostly in frames around my house at this point.

i got nothing ( yet ) just wanted to move those pics......

anyhow, thanks to the DJ last night - that was way good, l enjoy the singing along ( i first wrote that as "sinning" along ...... freudian?!? )

i finally got some pics developed .... and we're damn cute!

So today I’m hanging out at home…and one of the best and most well odd things happened. It’s no secret that I HATE cleaning…. I’m the girl who loves to cook – but has eaten popcorn for dinner the last 3 nights because I can’t be forced to clean after cooking.

So the other day, mom calls and says “your father and I have been talking” now this phrase normally sends chills down my spine…but in this case she says

“ we know how much you hate cleaning – so we’re going to pay for you to have your house cleaned”

(insert choir of angels singing ‘here’)

last night I went around gathering up the big chunks and clearing off surfaces to prep for the cleaning lady …and this morning took mike over to the neighbors house to play with another dog .. and waited with baited breasts for the “ding dong” of the door bell…

and right on time – she arrives and guilt runs thru my veins like ice… my liberal brothers and sisters will understand this – but I suffer from a little something called white liberal guilt.

I’m sitting on my sofa, watching Chicago hope and drinking coffee – feeling pretty damn guilty that there is a middle aged African American woman cleaning up dog fur …. While also trying to remind myself that it’s work – and there’s honor in all work… yadda yadda yadda

Anyway – I’m drinking my “uhlertide” coffee – and if you don’t know what that is – you’re not supposed to know and I can’t help you. And with the watching of daytime TV. This is not something I normally do – cause it sucks rocks… ( but then I found Chicago hope.. and remembered my love of the sexy mofo mr. Arkin {shut up} and also my love of “The Creek” as in Dawson’s.. and when I say Dawson I mean PACEY.

ANYHO, this commercial came on – which is in fact THE worst commercial ever. It was for some adult maxi pad / adult diaper product and get this …

They made a daisy like flower out of the pads. ( ok - let that sink in for a minute) They then had this “flower” in a vase and showed how the pads soaked up the water from the vase … like that expirment with a carnation and food coloring in elementary school.

Really?
Really?
Really.

Someone had to come up with this idea, present it to some kind of committee, the committee tweaked with it, got more people to finance this advertising masterpiece – they then cast and shot the commercial then sat back and watched and said “YEAH! This it it, it’s gold jerry”

But me, all I can think of is “fresh as a daisy”

A daisy sitting in it’s own pad of pee.

On another note, the a/c had been replaced finally – so I can once again sleep in my own bed – thank god because I was just outside and it’s in fact hotter than the hammered down hinges of hell out there ( but at least I hear that the heat in hell is a dry heat)

****************************
Ok – so I wrote that first part this morning at around 10:00 or 10:30 ..,and it’s now 1:52 pm and

SHE IS STILL ON JUST THE UPSTAIRS

I told you I had a dog that shed a lot -… but this has gone from the embarrassing to the HYSTERICAL

The owner of the company ( who’s a guy ) just showed up to check on her and how he’s running the vaccum … this poor woman has been working since 8:50 this morning …. Non stop … and I can’t stop laughing at how absurd this is …

My home is NOT messy – it’s all manner of tidy … I was just hoping to get the ‘clean’ back to square one.

I’m so giggling as I write this that I’m not entirely sure I don’t need one of those damn flower petal adult products …
********************
Update 3.0

Ok people – It’s 3:16 – and they are STILL HERE.
I have to go to the grocery store etc… hurry it up!

and now that i have your attention....

Sometimes I think I’m still a teenager.

A teenager who can buy alcohol and porn legally – but a teenager nonetheless.

I crack up ( or get ‘tickled’ as we are want to call it here ) over the silliest things – then have to call my friends and laugh about it … well – giggle like a 14 year old girl. Funny but true.

I laughed my ass off last night – Stacey and I have this hysterical thing going on that after I have sex – I have to call her and tell her about it – I don’t remember where, when, or why that started – but it’s become the rule. And I’m all about following the rules ( actually l don’t give a 3 pound rat’s ass about rules – but anyway ) Last night the “hot Indian boy” came over .. and after I was compelled – PULLED to the phone to call Stacey and talk about it … she of course was super supportive of the giggle – and we had a blast.

THEN, christel and I talked. OHMYGOD – if you’re having a day where you really need a laugh – ask for her phone number – as SOON as she answers the phone/or I answer whatever – we start giggling for about the first 5 minutes before either one of us can start any kind of conversation - I love that …. I really hope all of you have a friend that you can laugh with like that – cause I SWEAR – it cuts down on prozac co-pays.

So it’s 7:49am – and I’m up, dressed, and waiting on the a/c guys - I hate waiting – and I hate being stuck at the house while they do whatever it is they’re going to do – the engineer said it would take like 5 hours to replace and repair everything …. So my question is – can I nap while they’re here – is that rude?

SPEAKING OF RUDE:
But not really, guys, boys, men, whatever.

DO not fall asleep as soon as you’re done. If you are with a woman – say around 35 ( just sayin’) she is not finished. Do not stop, find something else to do – we know you can … and if you do .. the payoff is pretty damn worth it. ( especially if when you’re kissing us you do that ‘grab the back of the head thing, and hold on to the hair’ cause ask any woman … godDAMN that’s good stuff.

One day I’m going to come up with a topical entry again on here – I have a few swirling around that I’m working on - my fun times at the DMV with the lady with W-HAY too much make up on – who couldn’t sit still..and did that rocking thing…or how they guarantee 30 minute service – but at the DMV – evidently there has been a space-time continuum shift and 30 minutes really means 2 hours ….. or car repair – like, if I’m going to spend $400 bucks to have a standard service completed on my car – can you not just RUN THE FREKIN’ VACCUM while you have it there ….

Or or or ..

I got lots of em – I just need to focus them into something worth reading … oh, and I think I’m gonna need to go on a rant about boys sometime soon - I can feel that one percolating in the melon too.

So I’m really feeling the need to put pen to paper – or keyboard to screen/whatever.

But I’m not sure of what to write about – I have lots of things swirling around in my melon .. some I feel like sharing with the entire internet, some with close friends only, some the opinion of strangers would actually be interesting, and some I don’t even wanna say out loud.

I’m still not freaked out at all about not working at hell ( aka the housing authority ) … and I have a good feeling about the possible job I have on the horizon .. I’m trying to not put all my “eggs” in that basket but still- I’m feeling good about it.


I am a little freaked out about the damn sunburn I got today .. BUT and this is the good news – I’ve been in this neighborhood for almost 4 years now and finally took my fat ass to the pool … that my friends is a good thing … I’m proud of me – and all fat girls know what I’m talking about – yay unto ME. But I have a sunburn damnit … and seriously anyone who has known me for like 20 minutes knows I’m the fair skinned sunscreen queen … but whatever … I can be pink for a couple of days … cause remember – sometimes the best parts are pink!

Speaking of that very thing --- our dear allie had a very spontaneous and exciting Saturday morning … and for that we are all very thankful – now If I could just arrange a replay of that for say right NOW …or NOW… or wait …yeah, NOW would be good.

Evidently I went to the grocery store thirsty this afternoon, cause baby – I got it ALL, beer, wine, cokes ( remember I’m from Georgia – I call it all coke), juice, Gatorade, and christel light … so if you’re thirsty and in Atlanta, come see me – I can help you out.

I also bought some sexy ass ginger scented ( not like from gilligan’s island – but from Thailand ) shampoo and conditioner – after I washed my hair I thought “ damn this smells good, I’d fuck me …smelling this good” which made me giggle- but then, I decided – it’s not a bad thing to think.

My frekin air conditioner upstairs died again ( and for those of you playing along at home, I had it serviced on may 23rd … yup of this year – so I ‘m sofa surfing- cause as my friends have stated on this very blog .. I keep my house ice-box cold ….. and the upstairs is decidedly NOT ice box like ….. so – back to the sofa .. and while it’s FANTASTIC for making out – for sleeping on several nights in a row – not so much.

So this was cute – at the pool with the kids today – the older one and I were talking ( she’s 9 … OH MY GOD NINE…) anyway – she sees the tattoo and I say “Isn’t it cool?…my mom doesn’t know I have it yet? And she in TOTAL deadpan – says – “yeah, that’s not so great an idea” … I adore that kid …. She’s got a smart mouth on her….and the 5 year old was sitting on the floaty thing and I was pulling her around the pool and she says “look out for her royal highness in the water” …..i wonder where they get it from …yeah, that would be ME.

I finally got a microphone to go with this computer – so I can save money by making the porn calls on the ‘puter rather than the cell phone – so that’s a plus.

I got a fantastic email from a reader here – who said some amazing things to me that I’m seriously going to consider – thanks lisa… your words were way too kind.

Did I mention that I got a hair cut when we played beauty parlor this weekend ( or as my goddaughter corrected me – it’s called “SPA” allie ) Stacey chopped off a few inches – I look HOT –and she gave me some rock star highlights and some kick ass tips on having cute toes … we were glamour queens for the EN-tire weekend…
Oh year the a/c man was just here … I’m needin a new unit to the tune of $1500 lucky me.

So… I had a KICK ASS interview this morning – I predict that I should be working again within the next week or so … and I’m about to take the goddaughters to the pool for a couple of hours – yay me.

Not a bad day.

I’ve been a crappy updater lately – but let’s check the list to make sure things are still good with allie.

Had really good sex recently – yup ( there are some good and juicy details that i could share too )
Chatting with the girls – yup
Bought makeup – yup
Had a great birthday – yup
Still feelin’ good – yup.
All is well.

Ok – so I took notes about this weekend – and as anyone who ever sat near me in any class ever knows – my note taking sucks.

But wrote a story about it. Like to hear it, here it go.

So Friday didn’t start out as planned – actually that’s a lie. The morning was dead on – up early- bed making – picking up of the big hunks around the house …. And off to work.

All seemed fine.

I was wrong.

Friday around lunchtime I lost my job ( insert joke here. “ I didn’t lose my job, I know where it is – there’s just someone else there doing it now”)

A momentary freak out happened ( once I got the car out of the parking lot –THANK GOD ) … but I honestly think things will be ok – and I KNOW you will hear stories about that job now! ~ cause if that place wasn’t hell-it sure was the same zip code.

Anyway – on to the good stuff.


So, I got home around noonish … and after the requisite phone calls alerting the media of the new situation..and a small moment of freak out … THEN it occurred to me –

THE GIRLS WILL BE HERE IN A MATTER OF HOURS

So let the prep for the activities begin – Rotel and Chips, Turtle brownies, Bourbon and beer check – all a go.

Then cause allie is still stressed – straight to the tub – I’m such a water baby- everything seems better there ….

Fast forward to around 8ish – phone rings – and I hear “ we’re not pulling into the driveway until we get flashed” – and really who am I to say no to the flash request – so I took my own self outside and full on boob flashing happens ….then…the girls were here


And guess what – they brought me PRESENTS ( sidenote – this is always the best way to greet me ) these sweet girls came in loaded DOWN with birthday presents, we’re glad to see you presents, here’s something for you dog presents …. Including but not limited to clothes, a purse, jewelry, and a bag full of makeup.

And once I was in the glow of new stuff – everything started running together so I may get some of this stuff out of order - but lemme make it clear – GOOD times were had…

So Friday night – WE DID IT.

We got tattoos. I went first – cause I have the stones in this operation. It the infamous 9 sided star … mine is black and on my back near my right shoulder. Wanna lick it? Of course you wouldn’t be the first one to do that – it’s already been done.

I was suprized at how much it didn’t hurt – so yay me – of course there were the typical tattoo covered men standing around talking about boobs – and one said “ I hope we’re not offending you” I said – I got boobs – I can talk about them …. He said he liked me and offered me birthday spankings in the back room…I declined – and I’m not sure why … oh wait – I’m sure – I wanted to watch lauren’s sweet ass get that tattoo also.

Yes, that’s right – Lauren has a tattoo on her ass – and I have pictures of it – yay me…then it was stacey’s turn – and she made faces … puss – BUT she did get hers just right on out there where anyone can see …. !


So after the tat – we ( of course ) wanted to go get some foodage – but the beloved Mexican restaurant by my house was closed … papa john’s wasn’t and the pizza boy was out there … so I says – come here …to which he just looks at the car ( I was driving stacey’s ) so I says I says Come Here – and he waves – so in a really slow way I say ccccooommmeee hhheeerrree….. and he finally wandered over … we asked what we had to do for free pizza ….. I said “they will show you their boobs”

and this foolish mortal said “I don’t believe you”

(note – this is a Guar-n-teed way to get a peek)

and the immediate response – “what kinda of pizza ya want”

so we headed home – ordered pizza and drank shiners in honor of our christel … and almost got out snakes in honor of our mary – but we didn’t….but we DID

watch MOMMIE DEAREST … our Stacey had NEVER seen this…..so Lauren and I stated the dialogue line by line … I’m sure she loved that …how could she NOT? Then Stacey and I ran to the store …and I got Stacey to leave the house SANS bra … yay me – we got stuff for the tatts …. Coffee creamer … and rock star drinks!

Stacey took the couch – we were too tired to fire up the air mattress … so I was the cheatin spoon with Lauren … where we slept soundly – until it was time to wake up – head to walgreens ….. and go look for the hot sign

More weekend lovin’ to follow!

and oh oh oh - i spent 2.5 hours at the DMV today - you better BELIEVE there's a story there!