i had someone mention that i seem angry.

and that irritates me.

i mean, i know i'm generally the happy, silly, "look at me i'm a monkey", kind of girl. i manage my depression, and don't talk about it that often. it's really nobody's baggage but mine to carry, so i don't ask anyone else to deal with it.

i don't think i'm an angry person, i am a person that has a lot going on in her life. this has been a terrible year. looking for new work, losing my grandfather, being disappointed in friends, having to rely on others for support, realizing that this month i should have had a baby...and so on.

so i wrote a rant about my neighbors, hell i'm home right now, it's what i know. when people write about co-workers...no one says "you seem angry" they acknowledge that their work environment sucks at the moment, well guess what? mine does too.

i'm just asking to be given the benefit of the doubt. I've been reminded about all this "free time" i have, and how "now you just need to get work", and "have you looked for work today?" and so on. do me a favor, think this all you want, talk amongst yourselves, but don't say it to me. it's painful. believe me i've sent out 9 million resumes ( literally ) and i'm doing the very best i can. I'd appreciate not being judged.

thanks kids.

We're knee deep in spring here in the deep south, and the flip flops are acomin' out...this brings me to today's post.


I think i post this about once a year, and it bears repeating ( and if you know me, you know my feet are ALWAYS summer shoe ready....and yours SHOULD be as well)

Summer Shoe Pledge
Please raise your big toes and repeat after me:

As a member of the Cute Girl Sisterhood, I pledge to follow the rules when I wear sandals and other open-toe shoes.

*I promise to always wear sandals that fit.

*My toes will not hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs. And the sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps.

*I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free. I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.

*I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow.

*I will shave the hairs off my big toe.

*I won't wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother, sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it the real good.

*If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back into place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it.

*I will not live in corn denial, rather I will lean on my good friend Dr. Scholls if my feet need him.(of course if you maintain your feet - you won't NEED the friendly doctor)

*I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low, low price of $4.99 even if my feet are small enough to fit into the kids' sizes. This is out of concern for my safety, and the safety of others. No one can walk properly when standing in a pool of sweat and I would hate to take someone down with me as I fall and break my ankle.

*I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell and begin to look like Vienna sausages.

*If I have been privvy to the magic that is Foot Soup, I will share that knowledge and experience with the non-initiated. ( i have not been privy, however i AM a HUGE fan of slathering your feet in shea butter and wrapping them in saran wrap, then socks and sleep....you'll have amazing feet)

*I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell her that her toes are as long as my fingers and no sandal makes creepy feet look good.

This is my summer shoe pledge to you.

a neighborhood rant.

for you.


Neighbor #1.

MOW YOUR GODDAMN YARD. seriously, it's like what 18 inches high now. MOW IT

Neighbor #2

Your tent, patio thing, whatever it's called; blew down in the storm LAST FUCKIN WEEK. seriously, last week, fix it or toss it, i don't care which, but do something about it.

Cul-de-sac people

You have backyards. you have fences ... can you see where this is headed. GET IN THE YARD AND OUT OF THE STREET.

More Cul-de-sac people

1. We have gas lamps, we have them for a reason, i didn't WANT to have to spend $700 bucks to get mine replaced, but we moved into a neighborhood with a HOMEOWNER'S ASSOCIATION. The lamps are required, frekin fix em.

2. You may notice this big room attached to your house. It's big enough to fit 2 cars. CARE TO TAKE A GUESS AT WHAT IT'S FOR?? Clean out your frekin garage and put your cars in them, know how much better the place would look if you did?!

3. I appreciate that you wanna listen to music while you work in the yard, hell, i do it too .... however, get this skippy, maybe i DON'T wanna listen to lynard skynard full tilt at 9am on a saturday. and really, if you have a leaf blower goin... you're not gonna hear it anyway. i've lived in the south ALL MY LIFE, believe me when i tell you - the radio station WILL play " sweet home alamama" again, probably within the hour.

Dog Owners.

it's called YOUR YARD. that is where they shit.


ok, i think i'm done for now.

( oh, and the next person who refers to this time of my life as 'free time' as in, well now you have all this 'free time'....i will see that your are cut.)

i plan on being lazy today.

does anyone else do that?

i know people plan to say paint the house, or mow the yard, or or or.

i plan on doing pretty much nothing today. lola and i talked last night and it seems that turquoise toes are the color for the week, so i'll paint my toenails ( but not fingers to match ) i'm sure i'll shower, but yeah. that's about it.

i see the sofa and a book happening. if i had a hammock, the call would be for a hammock and a book. ( hint, birthday is in june, a hammock would be great ) but then so would the cash equlivalent)

i'm sure i'll jinx myself by saying such a thing, it always seems that when i do - it turns out that i have 9,000,000 million things come up that MUST be handled ....and usually that's fine. i'm doing better now that i usually keep really really busy - the busy helps with the depression and the sidenote is my house looks fantastic.

i know this entry is rambly and awful, but i'm working thru some major life changes in my head, that i'm not ready to post about for all the world to see yet - so it's making thinking about anything else kinda difficult.

but thank god for vh-1 .... the next episode of the surreal life will be on in a couple of hours, and i can focus on that train wreck instead of the one that is my own personal life.

That's my favorite fortune cookie curse.

this my friends has been an interesting week, and one focused on friends.

during the course of the last week or so i have remembered an old friend, regained a quasi lost friend, learned why a former friend doesn't like me anymore, learned how to forgive, learned how to be a friend just a little bit better, and worked on knowing how not to take it personally.

friendships are funny fickle things. i guess most relationships are. i remember being at a woman's church retreat several years ago and the minister had written a book on relationships. it was mostly focused on loving intimate marriage type relationships - but it really made me think about averaging of relationship i have. i have gone back to her book over and over, and recommended it to friends. one concept she spoke of was either having a relationship that is either holy or hell.

now, if you've known me for .02 seconds, you know i don't mean that in a literal traditional christian sense. i mean it in a what kind of live have you co- created kinda way.

bygones. anyway, her question that we were to reflect on was something along this line. can you really be YOU with someone? do you have to wonder " if i say 'this' will the turn off their love" , " if i disagree, will they walk away", "if i have my own opinion, will they leave".

i've thought about that over and over since that retreat. and this week i've thought about it often when considering my relationship with my friends. i know some people that if you don't like who they don't like, you're an enemy. in my eyes, that's not a friend. that's someone controlling you. who you like and who you don't. and when i say they're controlling you - really, you're allowing them to do with you what they will. and believe me, if you do this - they WILL toss you away as soon as your testicles drop and you grow the fuck up.

i have also known ( and maybe been ) people that cannot have a disagreement without it getting very ugly and very personal. i by NO means want to say that i don't take things personally, i take them VERY personally - but i like to think that i take a moment or two and toss on the big girl panties before i react to it. i have found that as i get older, my reactions are less severe, and i think ALL are thankful for that.

i've been luckily in my life with friends, no doors have ever been locked shut by me. i've known people to slam them shut lock them and walk away forever. to me this seems so selfish and stupid and narrow minded. it seems so silly that grown fuckin ass women with husbands, kids, jobs, and seeming controllable mental health issues would spend such time working on being mad. i just don't have that kind of time or energy.

my friends are precious to me. i'd love to think that i'm enlightened enough to say that my love for friends that i've chosen and have chosen me is unconditional - but i don't think that's quite true yet, it is something i'm working toward and can see happening. i've been to be hurt to the bones, or disappointed, or feel taken advantage of, or under appreciated - just like everyone else - and everyday i'm getting better about talking about what happened instead of either screaming about it - or just walking away in a huff and slamming the door on the friend and the friendship.

back to the retreat. when i think of friends i surround myself with lately - i know i am lucky. and i know we have chosen a 'holy' relationship.

so if you're in my life. i thank you and i want you here. if you used to be in my life, thank you for your time then. and if we're about to be friends - i can't wait!

I have a new addiction.

I am totally addicted to those organization shows.

Clean House – I have 10 loaded in TIVO ready to go…( it's the best one out there...)

Mission Organization – love it

Clean Sweep – all about it.

Since I’ve had more time lately, I’m a cleaning freak. Seriously, a couple of hours a day… at last count, I’ve been to goodwill 16 times this year, I’ve mowed the yard something like 4 times already.

But how did I know it was bad……real bad…..like get a therapist bad?

I found myself pricing LABEL MAKERS.

I want one, real REAL REAL bad.

I cleaned out the garage last week – and while I was hanging stuff up – I could help but think….if I had a label maker, I could have one over the nail for the straw broom, one for the plastic broom, one for the red rake, one for the blue….

I was in a label making fantasy haze – until the dog looked at me as if to say “bitch, please”

…..but I still want one.


That being said. I have the cleanest, most organized, house in the world. ( and as much as I fuckin HATE to admit it ) I have to add it to the list of things that make me like my mother.


2 other home show favorites... and IN order.

Flip This House

Flip THAT House


( this entry based entirely on television shows is dedicated to my main gays and their gift of TIVO last christmas)

today was international ( or at least inter-marietta ) work in the yard day. and every part of my body hurts. i got in the shower afterwards and GOODLORD - the water hurt.

wow.

but my yard looks hot. so we like that.

oh and and and

Coal Miner's Daughter is on Turner South.

Good looking yard and my favorite movie on tv.


good times.


*************************************************************************************************

still troubles in the boy department, rob is gone, and the lonely is kickin in...but i guess that's bound to happen.

and trouble is brewing on the other front, that relationship may be dead too... i dunno. i guess time will tell.

*************************************************************************************************

so the updates today are few, nails look hot, good movie on, yard looks good - and i'm going to try a new church tomorrow.

maybe next week will be better than this past week.

.... hell, St. Patrick's Day is coming - and i sho' do love the high holy day.

i dunno why i picked that title, i wasn't really thinking of dionne warwick and her psychic friends...but i did watch Madagascar the other day and it makes mention of the zoo there, so maybe that was still floating in my noggin.

there's a whole lot, and a whole lot of nothing going on lately. there have been some changes at home. i'm trying to decide if i stay in atlanta or move to charlotte. there are major pros and cons for each, and i don't know which way to turn at the moment. i guess i don't have to know, but i wish i could just the same.

******

i love LOVE the show "starting over" i think it's a train wreck that i can't help but slow down to look at. one thing about it really makes me laugh, or giggle, or just feel superior. and that is the language and vocabulary they use on that show. they speak of being authentic, accountibility, living your truth, having open dialogue and communication. my friends and i speak of those things too - but we call it "putting on your big girl panties"

i myself have personally had to wear my big girl panties far too much recently - and for those of you who are familiar with the Sweet Potato Queens know that means i'm ready for a party cause we know that you "never wear panties to a party" life has been very hard and kicking me ( and several people i know ) in the ass lately - and we need a break. a break with some fruity drinks, cabana boys, sunshine, and beach music.
or at least a hammock and a snow cone machine. ( i am currently free of both, since i frekin dropped my snowcone machine { which for those of you familiar with southern sayings IS in fact just like dropping my basket } and i never had a hammock - but DAMN i want one )

i'm in a big lonely place right now, which are becoming more common than they used to be. i think it's not because i'm more lonely now than i've been in the past - i think it's because the 'wall' i had around me is really starting to come down. and only because it's too much work to keep it up there all the time.

i also think it's because of the loss of a friend. they're not dead or anything. but it seems the code has been called on the relationship and it's flatlined. i didn't realized that it bothered me ( or maybe wasn't able to admit it ) until christel called me on it the other night {when we were SUPPOSED to be figuring out how to help lola, NOT me!} but she's right. being dumped hurts pretty much no matter the relationship, friend, lover, whatever.

also, the sun has set on the new boy. it seems we can hang for about 5 months, which seems to be the deal breaker time. i think i'm really gonna miss what i thought he was. i guess that's true for my lost friend too - one thing i've often said is "if you can walk away from me, keep walkin"

but man, it hurts when they actually do.