That's my favorite fortune cookie curse.

this my friends has been an interesting week, and one focused on friends.

during the course of the last week or so i have remembered an old friend, regained a quasi lost friend, learned why a former friend doesn't like me anymore, learned how to forgive, learned how to be a friend just a little bit better, and worked on knowing how not to take it personally.

friendships are funny fickle things. i guess most relationships are. i remember being at a woman's church retreat several years ago and the minister had written a book on relationships. it was mostly focused on loving intimate marriage type relationships - but it really made me think about averaging of relationship i have. i have gone back to her book over and over, and recommended it to friends. one concept she spoke of was either having a relationship that is either holy or hell.

now, if you've known me for .02 seconds, you know i don't mean that in a literal traditional christian sense. i mean it in a what kind of live have you co- created kinda way.

bygones. anyway, her question that we were to reflect on was something along this line. can you really be YOU with someone? do you have to wonder " if i say 'this' will the turn off their love" , " if i disagree, will they walk away", "if i have my own opinion, will they leave".

i've thought about that over and over since that retreat. and this week i've thought about it often when considering my relationship with my friends. i know some people that if you don't like who they don't like, you're an enemy. in my eyes, that's not a friend. that's someone controlling you. who you like and who you don't. and when i say they're controlling you - really, you're allowing them to do with you what they will. and believe me, if you do this - they WILL toss you away as soon as your testicles drop and you grow the fuck up.

i have also known ( and maybe been ) people that cannot have a disagreement without it getting very ugly and very personal. i by NO means want to say that i don't take things personally, i take them VERY personally - but i like to think that i take a moment or two and toss on the big girl panties before i react to it. i have found that as i get older, my reactions are less severe, and i think ALL are thankful for that.

i've been luckily in my life with friends, no doors have ever been locked shut by me. i've known people to slam them shut lock them and walk away forever. to me this seems so selfish and stupid and narrow minded. it seems so silly that grown fuckin ass women with husbands, kids, jobs, and seeming controllable mental health issues would spend such time working on being mad. i just don't have that kind of time or energy.

my friends are precious to me. i'd love to think that i'm enlightened enough to say that my love for friends that i've chosen and have chosen me is unconditional - but i don't think that's quite true yet, it is something i'm working toward and can see happening. i've been to be hurt to the bones, or disappointed, or feel taken advantage of, or under appreciated - just like everyone else - and everyday i'm getting better about talking about what happened instead of either screaming about it - or just walking away in a huff and slamming the door on the friend and the friendship.

back to the retreat. when i think of friends i surround myself with lately - i know i am lucky. and i know we have chosen a 'holy' relationship.

so if you're in my life. i thank you and i want you here. if you used to be in my life, thank you for your time then. and if we're about to be friends - i can't wait!