Never leave home without it.


Several years ago, an ex-coworker and I were at the porn store … checking out the new spring line, don'tchaknow. And something um, interesting caught my eye. Now, I have gone to the porn store with all walks of life, gay, straight, friends, lovers…whatever. And I used to try very hard to now look stunned at some of the things I saw. ( Now most things just seem like un-necessary props. ) Some things are funny, some look way more painful than any kind of pleasueable, some just make me ask, just WHERE does that go …. The answer of course is like when you’re in an expensive botiuque – if have to ask, you either can’t afford it, or you don’t really wanna know.

Except for one item that craked me up then, and Lauren an I got to talking about the idea of it just a few minutes ago when we were talking each other down from the tree. ( and don’t ask for the back story of how we got to this place )

The item of which I speak is….

The Travel Pussy.

Yes, that’s right. It’s some contraption for yes, stickin your wang ( tallywaker, …. ) in.

That got me to thinking “ hey, I have one of those.”

I have my own personal travel pussy.

In fact I have it with me right now as I type these words. I had it when I was doing the laundry, I had it when I was grocery shopping, and wanna know a secret – I had it when I was making out with that boy last week.

Lauren and I discussed the things we have left our homes without..

Our loved ones, dogs, shoes, mascara, bras, face full of makeup, purses, earrings – yes.
Our pussies ALWAYS travel with us.

So now I ask you to sing along…to the tune of “Me and My Shadow’

Me and my pussy, strolling down the avenue….


I crack me up. And really, that’s all that matters.

...and not in a Van Halen kinda way....

when in doubt of what to blog ( no matter how many ideas are in 'the notebook') ... go with the list.

so in no order - and meaning nothing inpick'lar ...

1. i have the softest feet in the en-tire world, seriously, you should be here .... and ( nod to christel - the toenails are bronzeeeee)

2. i'm burning a candle in and it smells soooooo good - it's one of those white barn ones - onyx collection. it smells like a man's cologne. really really good. i could use a real man here right about now.

3. i want to get 2 more tattoos. one on the top of my foot and i'm not sure where the other one should go. prolly in the ankle-y area.

4. i found the world's oldest palm pilot today - and lo and behold, it still works.

5. my hair is extra red now, that i think will change by say - wednesday.

6. i have more clothes to iron than i have time to do for the rest of my enTiRE life.

7. it really does FUCK up your nails when you take the acrilycs off... man, i need cute hands again.

8. i am addicted to the show "roseanne" .... i can't watch it enough

9. i'm excited because MY MAIN GAYS are coming here this friday weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

10. there's a cute thingy on my fridge that stacey sent me last week.

11. i have made so many trips to goodwill in the last week or so, the guy there knows me by name.

12. i am SO the knitter. i now make wee little baby hats for the childrens hospital - and bigger ones for the older children.

13. I think hershey's kisses should NOT have some kind of hard candy covering - leave well enough alone

14. i have the world's sweetest dog sleeping on the end of my bed, i'm a lucky girl

15. i'm waiting for tex to get his ass back to the IM

16. i have the same teddy bear on my bed that i've had since i was 4. her name is samantha, named after "bewitched" of course.

17. i don't think i believe in the idea of ONE soulmate. i have several.

18. i don't think i believe in marriage.

19. i'm really ok with that decision.

that's all i've got right now - i'm sure more will be added later.

cause that's how i roll.

Ok, so anyone who ‘really’ knows me, knows where they can find me the last Saturday in September.

That’s right, at a pageant party. Specifically hosting the yearly Miss America party.

However, there’s been some trouble in pageant-land. See, they tried to make it some modern thing. It’s not a modern thing. It’s a tacky antiquated silly thing.

It’s also a beauty pageant – let’s call it what it is. It’s not a scholarship competition, cause those are based on grades, no on who looks best in a bikini, so seriously – let’s just call it a beauty pageant and go on with our day.

Whoa, I got WAY ahead of myself …. Lemme backtrack.

Christine and I went to a movie ( the family stone ) this past Saturday. We thought it was a typical romantic comedy chick flick …….. IT’S A WEEPER, like a box of Kleenex weeper. They should really warn people about that kinda thing …. Anyho, Christine was driving me home, when her hubby called and informed us that Miss America was getting ready to start on the picture box.

So we did a quick ( in the head ) inventory of what proper pageant foods we had at my house, decided we were good, and speed along mightily towards casa de allie.

…. Now just watching this on the fly was something we’ve never done. We almost ALWAYS have a party. We have dart guns, scoring sheets, 10 million kinds of food product, lots of friends, 3 or 4 blenders going …. Crowns are worn, and hateful and catty attitudes abound.

It really is a blast, but sometimes is bittersweet, because gasp my friends and I are getting older….and as a result, we have started talking about how things “used to be” like when the talent competition was really something ….. Whitney Houston songs, tapping, clogging, terrible terrible terrible singers, classic baton twirling, if you’re lucky those batons are on FIRE…and I may be getting my pageants confused but…didn’t miss America used to have a state costume?! ( or is that miss usa?)

Anyhow, my point is, we had pageant night…. Low key style… but believe me – I still had comments … and general opinions… which I of course – will share with you now.


1. Again if you know me, you know I’m a pale girl. I come from hearty Irish and Scottish stock … and we are a pale people. I think pale is beautiful, but I also understand that it can look icky on camera at time…….HOWEVER, I do not understand the abuse of the spray on tan. EVERYSINGLEONE of these women looked like a giant cheese doodle with Vaseline on their legs …. Even the African American and Asian American woman and a certain doodleness about them.

2. Gowns, now, I realize this year the miss America pageant was in Vegas, but come ON ladies – MUST you dress like an aging showgirl/hooker/cocktail waitress. The gowns were all cut up to here and down to there and sheer … we all know most scholarships are based on you’re ability to almost show the fake melon boobs without any nipple showing.

3. There was SO much makeup going on ( and let’s consider the source of who’s saying that – we all know I LOVES me some makeup ) I’m pretty sure that people in space saw some of the blush going on in Vegas last weekend…..

4. Which reminds me of another thing that could be seen from space…… and it demands that I make mention of an epidemic in this county.

Teeth Whitening Abuse.

Something must be done about this, there’s a difference between a healthy looking smile, and looking like you have painted each individual tooth with liquid paper.Just sayin.


Now I must mention a thing or two that blew me away.

*Miss Oklahoma ( now Miss America ) is the ugliest one we’ve had in a while.
*Miss Mississippi didn’t even make it into the top 10 …. I can’t remember a pageant ever when that happened.
*They changed the lyrics to the “there she is Miss America” song – and took the part about Atlantic City out … sad sad sad
*And finally, they narrowed it down from 5 to 3 … before crowning.

That sucks.

But I’ll watch it again next year, cause that’s how I roll.

i'm actually posting again.... i decided that the next time someone posts something really awful in the comment section - i won't quit blogging - cause i like the whole blog thing - but i will post their IP's and location info and possibly their network administrators. cause i'm a spiteful motherfucker like that..... but i digress.

i needed a little time off, had some personal stuff going on, a death in my family, some traveling, holidays, haircuts, pedicures, and all that jazz.

i've been jacking around with some blog templates...but then i decided one of the plain ol' blogger ones will work for me, exciting no??

it's 3:31 am sunday night and i'm thinking i need to get my happy ass to at least TRY to sleep - although my new motto comes courtesy of stacey's bff .... when they recently had the BEAUTIFUL twins, and those twins didn't sleep - so of course the parents don't sleep .... they took ownership of this and decided that "sleep is for pussies"

i have to agree.

eh - fuck 'em.

i'm playing around with an old template seven made for me ( and yes tex, i managed to save the old one you did for me )

so after my little break, maybe i'm gonna have something to say now and again.

be good. carry on. see ya then.