so i think i might be done with the whole blog thing.

i've got lots of things going on in my life right now, most are very very good, but i don't seem to have the want to make time to blog about them.

this might come back in another incarnation sometime...might not...but i think since things are on an up swing, now is a good time to close up shop.

loving you.

ME!

what's it mean to be content to you and what's it worth? ( and yes tex, it's conTENT, not CONtent)

does it's definition or worth change on a daily basis? moment to moment?

how much is external and how much internal?

is it something that can be thought out, or is it a decision you make?

i ask because i read the blog of a friend who seems to be struggling with that concept, and it's made me thing.


i'm a HIGHLY content person right about now. i have several things i'd change, several things i am actively changing, and lots of things i'm happy to leave just as they are. but i think part of the reason i'm happy and content, is because i DECIDED to be.

for me that was what made all the difference. luckily, chemically my brain is firing well, so it makes it easier to make that decision, and to bounce back when the dark seems to swirl around...but really, it came down to a decision.

i'm sure if i sat around and thought about all i wanted, or thought i needed/would have/ would be by now, i'd be fetal and listening to weepy music and praying for the sweet release of death....but again, with the decision to focus on what i have.

i'm not saying outright or trying to imply that reflection and introspection aren't necessary things, and looking at what you wish for isn't important...but i know this. ( and here's where i get a little new-agey and "unity" so sue me )

"whatever you focus on expands"

if i'm thinking about how miserable i am, guess what, i find more miserable everywhere i go. miserable people, situations, outcomes.
if i'm in a position of gratitude, peace, and joy, that's what i find.

right now i can remember that, and live it.


it helps with the content and grateful.

I'm telling you now, things are good.

yes, i have a "friend" or two that are working my nerves, but really, now that i think about it, it's not really their fault, it's mine....so guess what. POOF, be gone.

crisis solved.

I was driving to school today and had that moment where i realized how happy i am. the weather was perfect, the radio gods were smiling upon me and playing exactly what i wanted to hear, and i wasn't going to a job i HATE i was going to school, which i LOVE! it's just goodness.

i'm making so many changes in my life now, vocation, spiritually, physically, emotionally. it's goodness. ( of course there are still things 'missing' in my life right now, like that MAN who can go ahead and show up any day now ) but know what, even without him, things are good.

i'm amazed at the amount of time i spent at a job that wasn't for me. i'm still trying to wrap my brain around why i was such a pussy for so long and didn't follow my heart... cause seriously, this is FUN. not work, FUN. ( here's where i preach again, if you wanna do something {or hell, someone} do it...i feel 20 pounds lighter,10 years younger, and happy with zero medication. )

......

and now for something completly different.

I'm currently financing my dentist's new a. villa, b. boat, c. european vacation .... and here's a little tidbit into allie land - i FOOKIN hate the dentist. i have the same level of fear of the dentist that i have for clowns. I have managed to make a fool of myself and cry at the first 2 appointments ( in a series of 7 might i add ). i go in on wednesday for something non painful ( hopefully ) and then thursday, i get to go back to have it checked.

so i'm predicting that by thursday night i'ma need: beer, drugs, the illicit lovin' of a big man.

or all 3. all three would work.

frienemies.


i'm sick of them

i'm sick of their 'i'll be there for you when it's conveinent for me" bullshit. i'm sick of the "i'll be friends with you cause there's something i want from you, want you to do for me, whatever" bullshit. i'm sick of always being the better friend.


i'm sick of calls not returned.
i'm sick of being the last one.
i'm sick of being taken for granted.

and i'm sick of ME taking them back.


here's the new deal, if you're not putting as much into the friendship as i am....well we're not really friends now are we.

fuckers.

BETH!

1. WHAT DOES YOUR CELL PHONE LOOK LIKE? pretty much like everyone else's that was the 20 smacker upgrade...little flippy LG

2. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN? In the 7am hour on a tuesday, i could pull out my astrology chart and see fo' sho' ...but i think 7ish is close enough

3. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW? Romance

4. WHAT DO YOU MISS? Shopping.

5.DO YOU PREFER HOT DOGS OR HAMBURGERS? Burgers, with beer, at the vortex

6. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK? Not usually. I like to look at what i'm scared of dead in the eye!

7. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY? Al Green.

8. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX? Dark Hair, Dark Eyes usually -but sting is a blonde...so we know i like the blonds too.

9. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE? see question #5.

10. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON WHO WAS MAD AT YOU? I know several have been disappointed by me, but don't think i've made anyone 'mad' in a long time

11. DO YOU SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE? Southern.

12. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU: My parents, with the bringing into the world and whatnot.

13. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS TAKEN? I think history has proven that this is something i can do. it's the acting on it i don't do. but the falling, yeah. i seem to have an advanced degree in the unavailable man. speak to me, i'm available for immediate bookings.

14. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?I'd make the words tell 'em, tell 'em, tell 'em right now.

15. YOUR WEAKNESSES? i could tell you, then you'd have the power, and who wants that?

16. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL? Let's remember, i'm old. I was around LONG before caller id was.

17. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY WHAT WOULD IT BE? EVERY FUCKING THING THEY OFFER.

18. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?a three way ( how odd ) tie between my eyes, my hair, and my rack

19. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? To be thankful for another year.

20. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT? Dunno. I've convinced myself none. so we'll go with none ( but 1 would be great) .

21. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? I've prayed to the hair altar of Reese Whitherspoon more than once. (and i wish for sting on top of me, does that count? )

22. WHICH FINGER[S] IS/ARE YOUR FAVORITE? The middle one ( ditto beth)

.23. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? I'm happy to report it's been a while

24. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF? Otown baby. O-T-O-W-N. suck it bitches

25. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOURSELF? I really think i would. which i guess is a good thing.

26. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL? I have. and that sucks.

27. DO LOOKS MATTER? What else do we have to judge people on ( that's a joke for the ass goblins who think i'm serious) and yes, they matter. but i also think that beautful is in the eye of the beholder

28. HOW DO YOU RELEASE YOUR ANGER? I yell, and curse like a sailor.

29. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY? Not at all. it takes a LONG time to get my trust, and a moment to lose it..

30. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? the Anti-Coloring book

31. WHERE WERE YOU 6 HOURS AGO? just getting home from a trip to see the main gays and the granny. .

32. WHO WILL BE YOUR NEXT KISS? Mike

33. IS THERE ANYTHING PINK WITHIN 10 FEET OF YOU? people seriously, this is allie. there is ALL fooking manner of pink around me. My pink wristlet ( that #3tx gave me for my birthday a few years ago) that holds the ipod, pink pins, a pink lemonade, and the pink polish at the end of my fingers .

34. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW? pink and white polka dotted pj bottoms, and a t-shirt that says "well behaved women rarely make history"

35. WHAT'S THE LAST SPORTING EVENT YOU WATCHED? Does watching the gays shop for halloween decorations count? wait, truth be told, i sat on my ass and watched them decorate the house after the shopping, so that's the last one.

36. WHAT IS/WAS YOUR FAVORITE CLASS? Hair Bangin. i frekin love it, before that, any art class wins, probably pottery.

37. HOW OLD ARE YOUR PARENTS? My mom just turned 60, and dad will be 60 later this year.

38. DO YOU MISS ANYONE?too many to list here!

39. WERE YOU AN HONOR ROLL STUDENT IN SCHOOL? not until the end of my college career, and now again in cosmetology school.

40. WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE FUTURE? That it's not a guarentee so love thost you love HARD!! and as the barenaked ladies say, "if there's someone you can live without, then do so"

41. DO YOU HAVE A TAN? You're cute. i make rose mcgowan look ethnic.

42. HOW OLD DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS? whenever, until about 40. then i'm out.

43. LAST TIME YOU GOT STOPED BY A COP OR PULLED OVER? October/Novemeber 1988, cause of a NASTY accident. details at another time.

44. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR DRINKS? Free

45. ARE YOU SOMEOEN'S BEST FRIEND? I sure am, and damn happy about it.

so maybe next week i'll have a "real" blog entry - hell, maybe tomorrow, who knows.

it has come to my attention that i have been sucking in the blogging department latetly. I'd like to say that it's cause i won a ton of money and am unable to write because i'm currently having wild tantric monkey sex with sting.

but i'm not.

i've just been a combo of busy, and not in the mood to blog. but there is good stuff around, i finished my first quarter of cosmetology school and i'm on a little break between quarters now. on monday i leave to go see my granny and my gays for a few days, so that's always good.

actually now i'm writing cause 1. i have some things/disappointments in people going on in my melon that i don't wanna think about and 2. i'm stalling on cleaning the house for one of those "hen party" shows i'm having for a friend at my house tomorrow.


*****

ok, i started that a few hours ago...so, it's a few hours later. Not that any of that matters, with the noted exeption that the frekin cleaning is now done. praise god, or me, since i'm the one thata did it.

also, since the beginning of this entry, i called the 'lo cause i needed to make words. i love that i have people to do that with.....anyhow back to my not having sex with sting. other than that, there are really good things going on, still in love with school and SO glad i'm doing this. i feel more alive than i have in ages. it's starting to feel like fall here in the south, and it's wonderful. the other day i had my favorite day of the year, the day when the sugar maple leaves start to turn...that day signals a need to drive up to the mountains and antiques, walk in the woods, and eat boiled peanuts ( not necessarily in that order ).

i have nothing to report on the lovelife front, and i'm sick to death of that. it's funny, i don't think i want to be married, i see no reason for it, and i only know of a few that have ever 'worked out" - however, i am ready for THAT MAN to make himself known. just sayin.

so really, as you can tell, while there are words on the screen, i've said nothing, save this.

my house is clean, it's fall, love school, need a man.


aren't you glad i posted ? yea, me too :)

now just guess which friend....

Song For A Friend, Jason Mraz

Well you're magic he said

But don't let it all go to your head

Well I bet if you all had it all figured out

Then you'd never get out of bed

No doubt

All the thing's that I've read what he wrote me

Is now sounding like the man I was hoping

To be

Keep on keeping it real

Cause it keeps getting easier indeed

He's the reason that I'm laughing

Even if there's no one else

He said, you've got to love yourself

You say, you shouldn't mumble when you speak

But keep your tongue up in your cheek

And if you stumble on to

You better remember that it's humble that you seek

You got all the skill you need,Individuality

You got something

Call it gumption

Call it anything you want

Because when you play the fool now

You're only fooling everyone else

You're learning to love yourself

Yes you are

There's no price to pay

When you give and what you take,

That's why it's easy to thank you

You...

Let's say take a break from the day

And get back to the old garage

Because life's too short anyway

But at least it's better then average

As long as you got me

And I got you

You know we'll got a lot to go around

I'll be your friend

Your other brother

Another love to come and comfort you

And I'll keep reminding

If it's the only thing I ever do

I will always love

I will always love you

Yes you

I will always, always, always, always love

I will always, always love

I will always, always love, love

Climb up over the top.

Survey the state of the soul.

You've got to find out for yourself whether or not you're truly trying.

Why not give it a shot?

Shake it. Take control and inevitably wind up

Find out for yourself all the strengths you have inside of you.

It’s been quite the weekend. Not in a “I went to New York to do some shopping and catch a show” or “ We needed some fun, so we took off for Vegas” weekend. But a good one nonetheless. I went flying ( yes FLYING ) in a wee tiny ( 4 seater ) plane on Friday with a friend from school, it was amazing. I’d only been in large planes, and then only in those a few times. This was a totally different experience, and it was great. Atlanta really is a beautiful city, I’m so lucky to be in a place like this. I think it set the weekend off on a good note….it was interesting personality/company-wise, but great. My friend from school is a sweet girl, and hey, her friend was a pilot, so gotta love that.

I did lots and lots of introspection this weekend. Not the bad, “ugly cry” kind …although that usually turns out being wonderful – this was just the having the time and patience and concentration to think and write and process. And somewhere along the way, I realized that everything isn’t GONNA be just fine. It’s just fine now. There are things that with surface thought I would change, but then when I really think about it – obviously I wouldn’t change them, cause I haven’t. I’ve had the weekend of happy. I’ve spent time with friends, and family - laughed with and counseled friends on the phone, dog sat mike’s brother, ate meals with my best friend and her kids, listened to music, read books, did some journaling, read lots of blogs, found some blogs of friends, and it’s still all just fine.

If “he” makes himself known that’s great, if not, well – that’s ok too.
If I get more dogs, that’s great, if not – I ADORE the one I have.
I’m taking classes in a field I LOVE, and researching what I have to do to have my own company
I’m content in this house for now, and willing to release it for a different location.
I still think the “I’m so happy to see you” puppy dance is the best thing in the world, and I get that more than once a day.
As crazy as my family makes me, and I’m sure I make them crazy too, they love me, and like me too.
I’ve let go and forgiven people who have wronged me, ( whether they think they did or not ) and I can now say I honestly wish them well ( I still wish them away, but well)
I’ve almost forgiven ME for some gigantic mistakes.


In classes, we’re doing these “ethics” exercises, which while I think they’re juvenile and silly – and nothing like anything we’d have done on a daily basis in “real” college - they are kinda interesting. Many of these exercises really seem like giant “meme’s” to me and they ask personal information, that I’ll be the first one to say, I outright lie about. I took too many undergrad and post grad psych classes, and employment psych ( psych in the workplace ) questionnaires, wrote too many of them, and studied too many to not be able to tell what answers they’re looking for, and in most cases go ahead and give to them.

That being said, I have spent some time thinking about one we did a couple of weeks ago, which was basically a list of adjectives and we were to match them with how we see ourselves, then have others answer with how they viewed us, and to see if there was any correlation between the two. I’d admit, I wasn’t honest with my answers, I just looked for the most “ school appropriate” answers…but it made me think. How WOULD I describe myself, in my most honest raw and unfiltered ways. I think my natural tendency is to let my mood dictate the answers. I’m in feeling blue, or depressed the answers mirror that. If I’m feeling strong and fearless, the answers mirror that feeling too. I guess that’s normal and most people react that way also…..I guess I say all that to say I finally realize that things are just fine. The sad of life is normal, and the happy is too. And I think finally I have some balance in that.

The happy allie was gone for a very long time. I thought maybe she was gone forever. I know parts of her have been left along the wayside, and I can see exactly where and when she left. I can see where her heart was broken, and where scar tissue remains. I can remember where parts of her dream died. But recently the happy me starting coming back around. I’m ready to have her back. I haven’t forgotten the things I’ve seen and done that brought the depression bus around, and I understand why I got on it, strapped in and rode for a long time. But, the joy is overpowering the sorrow. The feelings that things are good, and more good times than I can count are on their way, and I’m open to them…..is a good feeling. I know that I, like most people, have deep scars and hurts, and broken dreams – but I’ve decided that I’m not letting those things rule me anymore, I’m not defining myself by those things, either consciously or subconsciously. I didn’t realize what a noose they were around my neck until I let myself think and feel and be in the space of the horrible…..then release it, and enjoy the good that’s coming into my life to fill up the ick.

Now if I could only get that “other” thing filled up ( ah, I slay me )

Did i mention that i love stuff. here's somma what i'm lovin' lately.

1. Sitemeter
2. Hair School
3. My ipod
4. Burgers and Shiners at the Vortex
5. Getting Pictures of Lola's dogs in my email
6. Giggling
7. Phone conversations that start with "WHO DIS"?
8. Driving too fast with the radio too loud
9. Gigantic mugs of coffee
10. Getting new music
11. Old Hitchcock movies ( as opposed to the new ones ... that's a joke )
12. Going on walks with my pupper
13. The ugly yet uber comfy 'crocks'
14. When friends who I have leaned on, lean on me.
15. Big Silver hoop earrings
16. The smell of fresh clean laundry
17. Knitting, ( well, i'll like it more when it's cools off - cause DAMN it's hot now)
18. Spending sundays in my pj's
19. Lamps with feathers as fringe
20. Tivo
21. A giant stack of books from the public library
22. That the 'ber months are right around the corner
23. The way the little ones reach up to grab my hand to walk with me
24. Ditto for the "i get to sit next to allie" conversations
25. The smell of fresh cut grass

The 40 Questions About Me Meme

Find out more useless facts about me!

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops? no ma'am.

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?I have not ridden a rollercoaster in a long time, but when i do, it's eyes wide open and arms reaching up towards the sky!

3. When's the last time you've been sledding? I LIVE IN GEORGIA, what is this sledding thing you speak of?

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?Depends on who the person is. i mean i love my numbers, bust MAN some of them are WORLD CLASS SNORERS so , i'll sleep alone thanks...but a good cuddle wwith a cute boy i do like, but then i like it when they go home too...

5. Do you believe in ghosts? Sure do
.
6. Do you consider yourself creative? Sure do.

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife? How old is this meme?

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie? Jennifer of course, but DAMN Angelina is SO frekin beautiful, she's gotta be some genetic mutant or something, they can't come out of the package that way.

9. Do you stay friends with your ex's?I kind of wish I did sometimes. Mostly, no.

10. Do you know how to play poker?Poke her, i never even met her! I'll be here all week, try the veal!

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?Nope.

12. What's your favorite commercial?I loved the deranged 'gerbils' on the quizno's commericals that at the end of the thing yelled " they got a pepper bar" love that.
.
13. What are you allergic to? The President & cats

14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around do you run red lights? No, damnit,if i did, i'd get caught, i'm that girl.

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you? i do.

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees? BoSox. FUCK the yankees.

17. Have you ever been Ice Skating? Better than that, as a kid i went to the Ice Capades Skating School.

18. How often do you remember your dreams?Always. For about 20 minutes unless i write them down.

19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried? I can't remember, that's SAD!, but it probably involved lola or christel

20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles? Of Course

21. What's the one thing on your mind now? How good i feel

22. Do you know who Ghetto-ass barbie is? yes of course

23. Do you always wear your seat belt? Only when i'm in the front seat.

24. What cell service do you use?Verizon

25. Do you like Sushi? La-hove it.

26. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident? I did, and it's the avoided part that matters.

27. What do you wear to bed? melon queen t-shirt.

28. Been caught stealing?Once, when I was five. I enjoy s--wait, that was Jane's Addiction. The correct answer is, "no."

29. what shoe size do you have?9 wide. mm wide
.
30. Do you truly hate anyone? no, probably not, but i dislike most.

31. Classic Rock or Rap? OLD rap will do , but i like classic rock

32. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be? Sting

33. Favorite Song? 4 way tie. Tempted by Squeeze, You Don't Know Me by Ray Charles, For The Good Times by Al Green, and Tupelo Honey by Van Morrison

34. Have you ever sang in front of the mirror? Of Course

35. What food do you find disgusting? The Dreaded Green Pepper, Organ Meats, Celery, Fennel, grainy mustards.

36. Do you sing in the shower? Every day of My life

37. Did you ever play, "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours"? Last Week or so.

38. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?No, and i'll kick your ass if fyou do.
39. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew? A million times, i can't say i'm going to ever do it again.

40. Have you ever been punched in the face? no ma'am.

i've got lots of things to blog about, i just need to settle down and blog it. BUT since i'm both a. tired and 3. not bloody likely to do it tonight ... here's a little nugget ....i finally joined the world of the ipod not that long ago. and i'm queen of the playlist, this is my current ( and always growing, and open to suggestions ) playlist for nigh nigh.

and of course not in order, momma likie the shuffle.


After An Afternoon, Jason Mraz
All At Sea, Jamie Cullum
Angel From Montgomery, Bonnie Raitt
Bewitched , Frank Sinatra
Blackbird, The Beatles
Breaking Us In Two ,Joe Jackson
Colors, amos lee (feat. Norah Jones)
Digame, Ana Nylick
Distant Sun , Crowded House
Don't Dream It's Over , Crowded House
Don't Let Me Be Lonely Tonight, James Taylor
Easy, Lionel Richie
Emotion, Bee Gee's
Fall At Your Feet ,Crowded House
Father And Son , Cat Stevens
Fingers Of Love, Crowded House
For The Good Times, al green
Four Seasons In One Day , Crowded House
Ghost, Indigo Girls
Good Life , Frances Dunnery
Handy Man, James Taylor
How Deep Is Your Love, Bee Gee's
How Can You Mend A Broken Heart, al green
Humble Me, Norah Jones
I Believe In Love, Dixie Chicks
I Could Write a Book, Frank Sinatra
I Will, alison krauss
I Will, The Beatles
If I Were Your Woman, Gladys Knight and the Pips
If You're Not The One ,Daniel Beddingfield
Into The Mystic , Van Morrison
La Belle Dame Sans Regrets, Sting
Leaving, Indigo Girls
Lonely Night in Georgia, Marc Broussard
Love TKO ,Teddy Pendergrass
My Love, Paul McCartney
No More I Love You's, Annie Lennox
No Woman No Cry , Bob Marley & The Wailers
Nobody's Girl, Bonnie Raitt
Only Lonely , Hootie & The Blowfish
Sleeping To Dream , Jason Mraz
Sweet Baby James , James Taylor
The Nearness Of You, Norah Jones
This Woman's Worth, alicia keys
Tupelo Honey , Van Morrison
Turn Me On , Norah Jones
Walk On The Ocean, Toad The Wet Sprocket
Why?, Annie Lennox
Wild World , Cat Stevens
You Can Sleep While I Drive,Melissa Etheridge
You Don't Know Me, Elvis Presley
You Don't Know Me, Ray Charles
You Don't Know Me, Van Morrison

you know when you know someone isn't the one. but you kinda want them to be the one....then you find out YOU'RE not the one and it kinda knocks the wind out of ya.

yeah.

that's me today.

what do you do with that?