what's it mean to be content to you and what's it worth? ( and yes tex, it's conTENT, not CONtent)

does it's definition or worth change on a daily basis? moment to moment?

how much is external and how much internal?

is it something that can be thought out, or is it a decision you make?

i ask because i read the blog of a friend who seems to be struggling with that concept, and it's made me thing.


i'm a HIGHLY content person right about now. i have several things i'd change, several things i am actively changing, and lots of things i'm happy to leave just as they are. but i think part of the reason i'm happy and content, is because i DECIDED to be.

for me that was what made all the difference. luckily, chemically my brain is firing well, so it makes it easier to make that decision, and to bounce back when the dark seems to swirl around...but really, it came down to a decision.

i'm sure if i sat around and thought about all i wanted, or thought i needed/would have/ would be by now, i'd be fetal and listening to weepy music and praying for the sweet release of death....but again, with the decision to focus on what i have.

i'm not saying outright or trying to imply that reflection and introspection aren't necessary things, and looking at what you wish for isn't important...but i know this. ( and here's where i get a little new-agey and "unity" so sue me )

"whatever you focus on expands"

if i'm thinking about how miserable i am, guess what, i find more miserable everywhere i go. miserable people, situations, outcomes.
if i'm in a position of gratitude, peace, and joy, that's what i find.

right now i can remember that, and live it.


it helps with the content and grateful.

I'm telling you now, things are good.

yes, i have a "friend" or two that are working my nerves, but really, now that i think about it, it's not really their fault, it's mine....so guess what. POOF, be gone.

crisis solved.

I was driving to school today and had that moment where i realized how happy i am. the weather was perfect, the radio gods were smiling upon me and playing exactly what i wanted to hear, and i wasn't going to a job i HATE i was going to school, which i LOVE! it's just goodness.

i'm making so many changes in my life now, vocation, spiritually, physically, emotionally. it's goodness. ( of course there are still things 'missing' in my life right now, like that MAN who can go ahead and show up any day now ) but know what, even without him, things are good.

i'm amazed at the amount of time i spent at a job that wasn't for me. i'm still trying to wrap my brain around why i was such a pussy for so long and didn't follow my heart... cause seriously, this is FUN. not work, FUN. ( here's where i preach again, if you wanna do something {or hell, someone} do it...i feel 20 pounds lighter,10 years younger, and happy with zero medication. )

......

and now for something completly different.

I'm currently financing my dentist's new a. villa, b. boat, c. european vacation .... and here's a little tidbit into allie land - i FOOKIN hate the dentist. i have the same level of fear of the dentist that i have for clowns. I have managed to make a fool of myself and cry at the first 2 appointments ( in a series of 7 might i add ). i go in on wednesday for something non painful ( hopefully ) and then thursday, i get to go back to have it checked.

so i'm predicting that by thursday night i'ma need: beer, drugs, the illicit lovin' of a big man.

or all 3. all three would work.

frienemies.


i'm sick of them

i'm sick of their 'i'll be there for you when it's conveinent for me" bullshit. i'm sick of the "i'll be friends with you cause there's something i want from you, want you to do for me, whatever" bullshit. i'm sick of always being the better friend.


i'm sick of calls not returned.
i'm sick of being the last one.
i'm sick of being taken for granted.

and i'm sick of ME taking them back.


here's the new deal, if you're not putting as much into the friendship as i am....well we're not really friends now are we.

fuckers.