so i'll admit it here. i still sometimes watch "dawson's creek" i know it's trite - but jimmy crack corn, i don't care.

today joey's HAWT profressor ( from the old MTV sketch comedy show "the state", also was grace's 11 { 5 on one, 1/2 dozen on the other } boyfriend on will and grace, and has been on a couple of episodes of "Reno 911" {maybe the funniest show on tv, but that's another blog} ... anyway, he said something good "always stay on a first name basis with who you used to be"

i like that, cause lately like say the last couple of years, i'm not the girl i used to be. i feel like i can see her, and still recognize who she is, but the "me" now is closed off, not trusting, and scared.

those are 3 things that i NEVER would think that i would use to describe me, but it's kinda how i feel now and i'm tired of it. i'm not sure how to change it, without going "back" i don't wanna take steps backwards....i need to find how to be happy right here and right now, and stop worrying about the future and the past - i used to do that well, but let's face it the last year or so has been just plain awful ... and i 'm having a bitch of a time getting past it. but i am actively working on it, so i guess that's not nothing, and as of late, i remembered how to cry ( may sound like nothing, but i haven't been able to do it for a month or so.....tear back up is like orgasm backup, in that they are both BAD bidnesss)

on another front, it's wednesday, which means it's mom and allie hang out morning ( i first typed that 'hand out' morning - which is accurate too ) so that should be good - at the very least, i sure could use the company. and mike will appreciate 'grandma' being here, he's sick of my fat ass ... but since he's a dog, and can't speak to it - and still hasn't learned to unload the dishwasher, he'll just have to deal.

(note, entry not typed in word, no spell check involved in the production of this entry ...so you'll just have to deal too )

callback: i still think pacey, from the creek ... is way hot. just sayin',

yeah that's right, i'm almost 36 and called him way hot. shut up :)