Saturday, January 22, 2005
so there i was ... aka - what the fuck was i thinking?

Don’t you love stories that start that way?

Ok I hate to Edith Bunker this story up, but I have to. Several years ago I met this boy online. I live in Atlanta, he lived in Maryland. I am a Metaphysical Christian whitey whiterson - and he is a Hindu born in India. We talked online for a long time – then on the phone.


Except for one thing – he didn’t know I was big, fat, a BBW, amazing, beautiful…. And I didn’t know he was an asshole… as the story develops we can see how we all live and learn…but I’m getting ahead of myself.

This boy and I really hit it off – visited each other, talked several times a day, wrote sweet letters and e-mails, talked of growing old together…and had great sex.

I was working when we met, he lost his job following the fallout of some 9/11 effects on the travel industry. I helped with his ego in looking for work, and he helped me with my ego by “loving” me.

I really thought this was the one, we discussed how the wedding would be, how we would raise multi-religion kids, how his family would accept whitey, how we would get our dogs to get along…everything.

One day, he asked me to grow old with him. I more than happily agreed.

He was taking MBA classes, returned to work…and started complaining about how fat I was/am. I did many stupid things to try and lose weight to be what he wanted. Smoked, drank, threw up, just to be someone I’m not for him. See I have extra weight on me sure, but he’s fucked in his soul … but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Late in the fall I noticed he was starting to pull back, and I ( was stupid, and young, and scared to lose him ) started pulling tighter, I humbled myself in SO many ways to be what/who he wanted me to be. I started thinking first about what would HE like, not what would I like … I realize this is as much my fault as it was his … I’m not in denial about that.

Then he just stopped. Stopped calling, stopped writing, stopped answering the phone, stopped loving.

Then one day ping you have mail… I had a letter from him one or two weeks before Christmas to tell me he was breaking up with me, because I was fat. I wasn’t what he physically wanted in a mate. He didn’t feel that he could take me out and show me off – cause I didn’t come wrapped in the package he wanted to be seen with.

This killed a small ( or not so small ) part of my soul.

I cried and cried and cried. And felt stupid, and un loveable, and ugly. For a long time. I was convinced that all men felt like he did, I didn’t like or trust men for a long time.

And this was 3 years ago. I had not heard a word from him.

Until yesterday.

I was eating lunch at my desk at work, going thru personal e-mails, and checking blogs ..i wander over to hotmail, and my heart drops to the floor.

I see an e-mail entitled “Hey you”

I know it's been a long time since we've talked, but Iwas wondering if I could call you sometime and catchup? If so, please email me your number. If not,please tell Mike that Ramsey and Tori say "hi, bark,bark, lick, lick."

My brain went straight to the WHAT THE FUCK place.

I read it a few times, and responded…out of curiosity – of course you can call … here are my #’s. ( actually my first thought was “holy shit, he’s sick and has to call and tell me)

So a couple of hours later the cell phone rings while I’m at the office – and his first words to me are “what are you eating” …


He says “it sounds like you’re eating something” … I actually pulled the phone away from my ear to look at it – like … can this be real? I have to be on some old ass drug trip – except I’ve never done drugs.

So we’re not 5 minutes into the conversation…surreal as it was, and I asked “how long has it been since we’ve spoke”


THIS FUCKER’S ANSWER is “when did you start your diet?” …
I answer, out of shock, and because I’m now in control of me with him … said … at lunch – I start diets everyday.
He then says “ are you still dieting and exercising” I say “I’m GREAT!” and he’s all “really” and I say “I’m fantastic” …

Then it happens.

How great it was, how I was the best whatever he’s ever had … yadda yadda yadda how no woman has ever done whatever like me. To which I respond. You shoulda stuck with the fat girls.

. I say, they’re fine, still right up front.


He wants to call later and have phone sex.


Boys are stupid.

Throw rocks at them.

At least this boy is stupid.

And here, this will help you sleep less at night – he’s in Homeland Security … Sleep well.

posted by Allie @ 1/22/2005 03:35:00 PM


At 7:55 PM, Blogger Dave said...

Holy Mary Mother of Fuck Me! Doncha just wish sometimes that you could actually reach through the phone at someone? I can't even imagine. I'd like to think that I would have just laughed out loud, but I probably would have been too stunned. Stay the fuck out of Maryland is for sure.

At 7:57 PM, Blogger tinyhands said...

I'm still sad that you outsourced the booty in the first place.

At 8:16 PM, Blogger Allie#3ga said...

wasn't really outsourcing.....was in love

At 9:24 PM, Blogger amy said...

oh god thank you my dear blog friend thank you. my pity party was worth it last night. i cried and cried and cried. i even cried while getting chinese food and cried in my car on the way home. i cried and fell asleep crying. ALL BECAUSE OF MY BRAZY. thank you for sharing with me YOUR BRAZY. i mean, i heaved and snotted and bawled my eyes out till they were really really red and itchy. but thank you my friend thank you for sharing your story with me. um, are you going to do the phone sex though? MY BRAZY says i still owe him?? um, i don't think so.

At 11:35 PM, Blogger Chloe's Passion said...

I don't even know where to begin on this one!!! I used to date this Japanese guy who was so particular and I just continued to overlook it until the day I realized that I had lost myself. When I broke it off with him, he started stalking me and saying horrible things about me to my friends. It was a nightmare. I am so glad he never tried to call me again.

Do not have phone sex with this guy! He wasn't good enough for you the first time, and he certainly isn't good enough for you now!!!

At 12:05 AM, Blogger christ*el #3tx said...

oh, i'd love to break his kneecaps. and then his fingers, one by one, and then put curry and wasabi in his eyes. and then duct tape them shut.

it makes my skin crawl to think about this asshole.

At 11:29 AM, Blogger Allie#3ga said...

i am way more on board with doing what #3sc is talking about than anything else with this guy.

really, seriously...he is dead to me - no worries about sex of any kind with this fool ever again ...

the phone call just blew me away - and i had to share it .... wow, i'm SO glad he's not my albatross anymore!

At 11:42 AM, Blogger Smashlee said...




Is there a rock big enough?

At 11:52 AM, Blogger Cosmo said...

Outraged woman in the DC metro area who is tired of having her time wasted by stupid men and watching said stupid men waste other women's time AND sucking the very life out of us, willing to take on certain "jobs" that may include but not be limited to breaking knee caps, poking eyes, de-balling, bending fingers and removing fingernails. Will also take specific requests (like the wasabi eyes one above - NICE!). Only requirement for job: must be done to an evil soul-sucking man whose momma forgot to drown him at birth to save the rest of us from his misery. No fee to you since this is really a service to the world at large. I only require a bottle of good gin to drink while I tell you the story of how he suffered.

At 4:43 PM, Blogger se7en said...

Dear Allison!!

what an asswiper, sheesh, take cosmo-tini up on that offer!

At 10:33 PM, Blogger M'Ary* said...

I hate it when *Booger* eats my reply!!! What I SAID was that I myself live mere moments from Maryland, and I'd be glad to hook up with Cosmo-Tini and saddle up a posse. I'll bring the gin and the jumper cables. Who's bringing the tequila and the car battery?

At 10:37 PM, Blogger M'Ary* said...

OK, Dave says we have tons of car batteries, and Princess Josh says he has jumper cables, and if there's gonna be gin, he's in on this posse thing. So I'm bringing the tequila, the batteries, and the jumper cables. We still need gin.

At 8:16 AM, Blogger Dave said...

After we finish with this guy, we'll have to saddle up and go after Tasty's. It's gonna be a long day, but worth it. Then again, there are so many of these fucksticks out there that we could be busy for the rest of our lives.

At 8:19 AM, Blogger Allie#3ga said...

is it wrong that the thought of dave all saddled up makes me a little hot?

just wondering ...

oh, and i'll bring the gin. and camera.

At 9:18 AM, Blogger M'Ary* said...

It just makes me laugh, but then, I've seen Dave nekkid.

At 9:33 AM, Blogger Tasty said...

OH, HOW I ADORE YOU PEOPLE. Every damn one of you.

At 7:00 PM, Blogger Madley said...

Hi Miss Allison!

Nothing like a couple of d*ckwads to teach us girls to be the Empresses that we are!

What a loser (and I have a stack that Cosmo can do too because I like gin).


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