like Thanksgiving!


** this is pretty disjointed and REAL fuckin honest .. so just know that**

Happy Holidays sweetpeople!

Last night after dinner and some dog walking (between wicked rain storms - what did atlanta become Seattle when i wasn't looking - not that i would really mind that too much ....but i'm digressing ) ... i baked a pan full of sweet potatoes in preparation of the infamous ... infamous? infamous sweet potato casserole - that actually is a full on dessert that we eat on the plate as part of the meal ( and in my office we call that a "fat activity" { how funny is that}) and it is so good it will make you start slapping people ... and not mind so much if they slap back. i can send you the recipe - or better yet, come see me and i will just make them for you- cause i make them better than anyone else.

Tonight the pie baking begins and casserole preparation continues ... and i'm such a dork - i'm really looking forward to it. i LOVE to cook,but since i live alone - i don't do it all that often, cause really what's the point? but i'm in full on holiday mode now. which is a good thing - cause i LOVE christmas ... i love the decorations - the tackier the better - my best friend and i always go out and look at the lights and will stop the car and applaud for really terrible decorations ... my neighborhood goes nuts with the decorations too - and i love that ( duh ) .... this weekend daddy will bring his truck over and we'll go get my tree ... and just the thought of that is making me smile... this christmas while moneywise is still so crappy ... i have a job - and that's such a big leap from last year.

it's also got me thinking about 2005. it's going to be good. i have proclaimed it so. i think i'm actually going to make resolutions but not the ... lose 100 pounds ... eat only leafy green things .... stop drinking ... resolutions .......... but the ... be more gentle .... never forget to tell people i love them .... take the fear down a notch type of resolution....and i'm excited about that. My church has a new year's eve service, but it's not a traditional "watchnight" kinda thing. It's called a burning bowl ceremony -and that's really what it is. You write down everything you want to release from the year and do away with .... then you pray over it - the congregation affirms the changes and you burn it. It's really powerful - and even when i don't make it to church on New Year's Eve - i do that ... i think i'm gonna start thinking on it and working on my list of things to release and things to draw for the new year - how fucking grown up am i?!

so i wanna be sappy and traditional and take this moment to thank everyone that's in my life - i'm grateful for all of you. i really do have some of the best friends in the world i want to thank them for loving me when i wasn't able to love myself - believe in me when i couldn't - like me when i didn't like me .... and then allow me to do the same for them. that right there is some fucking powerful shit.

i also realize that i am censoring myself some on this blog. and i said i wasn't going to do that this go around - i wasn't going to be self conscious about what i wrote - just write what i'm feeling and let it be. i have decided to quit taking the meds - i need to call my dr and see how to ween myself off of them, i think the "crisis" phase of my life might be over or at least over for the moment and maybe even if it's not - other parts of my life have calmed down some to that i can handle them as they are and not in the fuzz of the 'zac .... i'm just thinking ... i mean feeling things is good right?! i realize how paralyzed with pain and fear i was and really unable to handle things, everything was overwhelming, and dark .... but i think that maybe things are more calm now-and i can investigate my relationships and my reactions to them.

Mary asked me last night if i've been able to be "myself" post "R" and i think the answer may be no. or not all the time. i don't know what happened, i so allowed him to control me, every decision i made was based on will "r" like this. and that is fucked up. but when he dumped me - i allowed him to let me feel so much less than worthy, un loveable, un deserving ... and i think this past year tore that wound wide open. i'm ok with wearing the scar of that relationship - i'm not ok with that wound being open and still affecting how i feel about me.

but i LET him do that to me. and i have to really look and see why. i dont' know that i ever dealed with that...what i did do is enter into a series of relationships that would NEVER work, and i knew that going into them. i refused to let my guard down and picked men who could never dump me because for a variety of reasons we were never together. then it happened. i fell head over heels in love. good thing right? yeah, not so much - with a married man. it was a relationship of emotions and thought and fire. never one moment of physical touch. not ONE. but it was as intense a relationship as i've ever had. i tried to play the game and it got me. i chose someone to open up to - to be ME with .... that could and would and should not ever return that closeness. and now that's over - but it's ok. i feel so good and so strong. i mourned that loss like i can't tell you ( the friends i sobbed with can tell you ) but i realize i'm willing to love...to date...to be me...to be real...to not mold myself to what i think someone thinks, wants, hopes me to be or wishes i am. i'm taking responsibility for my happiness and not waiting for a man on a honda, harley, or white house to save me. i don't need saving. i'm ready for someone to meet me at my level....and make a life together. crisis and challenge, fights and forgiveness, passion and love.

and that's some grown ass shit.

love and shit like that,
allie

note - not edited proofread or spellchecked .....