how happy i am today.
and i don't' know of anything that's really changed. i woke up late (per usual) but traffic was light - the coffee was ready when i got here - i look cute - should be a relatively light work day ( as light as it gets here .... which ain't real light ) but i'm feeling good. and that my friends is a most welcome change of pace.
I love it when the happy bus shows up. it makes me feel like the "old" me is slowly returning - and that's a good thing, cause i really really like her. she's funny, and silly, and thoughtful, she has energy to give her friends, and she's been missed .....this me is more course than i'd really like to be - i seem more brash than i am - i try to wear this 'i'm tough and you can't hurt me armor' - and yadda yadda yadda...i think it's cause although i seem like this loud extrovert - there's this introvert in me dying to just be ... and quit being hidden - but my job is to sorta be the loud funny one.
could i not be the quiet one?
what if no one likes the quiet one
...i've spent so much time cultivating this "image" and so very few people get to see the "real" me ( there i go again with the quotes ) the numbers know me, and so does todd ..they see thru this act of overwhelming confidence that i try to portray- and i think i do - but hell, maybe it's transparent ... i dont' know...it's hard to just stop being ALLIE on 10 and all that and go back to allison who while equally fabulous is also really sensitive and gets her feelings hurt and is willing to risk that - instead of ALLIE who demands to be in control and in charge all the time and acts balls to the wall - but i miss being ME, and i want me back - that's something i really want to work on - and i hope y'all stick around for it - cause allison is really excellent
... so maybe the blue funk is actually leaving ... i'd love to get off of this stupid drug ( which has saved my sanity might i add ), and feel a little more....
i think the music i was listening to this morning helped ... i'm of course still in my squeeze phase, but i also listened to Julian Cole, Blondie, Beastie Boys, and old Adam Ant - and it's hard to be in a bad mood when that sorta happy is going on. That plus you should have seen how cute my dog was ... sad but true.
so mary's hubby mike is having knee surgery today -let's send them good juju .... i'll let you know when i know ... how everyone is....
i really do love all of you.
"It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are." ee cummings.