i spent the better part of yesterday at work trying not to cry at the office ( and i succeeded thank you very much ) so i LOST it in the car on the way home talking to lauren - then i continued to lose it while talking to lauren at the house, talking to mary, and talking to stacey - i would have lost it talking to christel ... but i sorta passed out from tired crying ....po po me.

i'm not sure what's going on- actually i'm PAINFULLY aware of what's going on. someone i really do love and for a GABILLION and 3 reasons it's not meant to be, never meant to be, and will never work out .... actually said to me when we were talking about the situation "it could be worse" WHAT HUH WHAT THE FUCK?! how could it be worse - we have ( or i have ) reached worse. i found myself acting in behaviors that do me NO good ... ( ie drinking too much, smoking, sleeping with an idiot yadda yadda yadda ) behaviors that i was pretty sure i had done enough therapy and taken enough meds to get over ... but evidently not. why have i let this one have control. he obviously is fine with how things worked out - seems to be carrying on quite nicely - while i'm crying in my huge pillow...and going to this terrible self doubt place- and i HATE that place. i'm generally really confident - or can at least maintain the facade of confidence so well that even i can forget that it's an act sometimes ..... it's triggered some real fears that i've had for a while - the whole - men leave, men cheat, ( or decide to come out), i'm going to actually become the crazy dog lady, never going to find someone to love me back, never going to find someone who finds me important and loveable - and i mean of the men variety - i know without a DOUBT that i have the best girlfriends on the entire planet. I have never even READ stories about friendships like these - so intense and true and lasting on so many levels - friends that throw the bullshit flag when i need it - and friends that will hold me up when i can't stand the pain anymore ... this is truly amazing - good parents and good friends .... are literally helping me survive ......

the upside is i've been really creative at home... and have some excellent ideas of projects to complete ... and i've gotten a lot of cleaning out done .... but still.....i'm tired of being the one affected in this crap - while the men carry on as if nothings happened. is this a penis thing? this ability to brush off and carry on as if nothing's happened, as if hearts weren't broken, i don't get it ....

but on the other hand... my girl stacey might be coming to see me this weekend... which could be some serious hard core fun. she's maybe even MORE girly than me - and that my friends is girly - so i predict MUCH MUCH fun ... and if for some reason we can't make this weekend work - we can save up the party power for another time.

so my friends love me, my parents love me, my dog loves me - my co workers make me laugh - i'm trying to love me today ... well i love me- i'm trying to like me today .... so lemme crank some wonderfully bad 80's music and see if i can't turn this mood around.

i love you all, i really really do!
allie