Hey y'all ...

I'm sorta feeling all over the place today - it's all in the good places - but I have lots on my mind...including but not limited to

1. love
2. friends
3. words that cut
4. depression
5. how FUCKING good my hair looks today
6. my parents

ok ok ok... love - so i've said before that i was/am in love with some one completly inappropriate for me ... and we've both been sorta slowly pulling away the band aid for a few months now while trying to decide what to so. i had long heart to heart talk last night with someone that i'm just becoming friends with ( of the male variety ) and i really broke it down barney style ... he listened and understood where i was coming from and played devils advocate with me ... and i think i finally realize that i have to cut it off with 'him' cold turkey. it's going to suck - ( and SO not in the good way kinda suck) but i think it's what has to be done - for my best good as well as his ... he will be someone that i think about daily - but it's the thing to do - so i 'm going to do it. starting right this moment. ( girls, expect weepy calls )

ok, and on to friends. i think, wait i know i've mentioned what amazing friends i have. i don't know what i've done to deserve them, whatever it is, when i figure it out - i'll let you know so you can do it too ... cause goddamn - there's nothing that my friends can't help make better - i was reminded of that last night talking to one of my beloved #3's...... who reminded me of something - she was speaking of herself but it left me gobsmacked - so in my mind - it must be somewhat true of me too - cause it really struck a cord ... and that's when my humor hurts someone. I never intend to hurt someone's feelings with my words. WAIT - that's a lie .... if you're a shellfish loving dentist - i do mean to hurt cause i hate you ... but unless you're that guy - i don't mean my words to be painful. I mean to listen honestly to you...and not try and think of the funny thing i'm going to say to try and "outfunny" you ... if i have done that - please call me on it - i'm really working on being softer and kinder .... that is actually the genuine me - but i've taken the last 34 years building this wall and facade up - it's going to take a while to tear down ...

teeny posted about depression today .... which is ( as we know ) a subject near and dear to my heart, i do deal with that - but i wouldn't call myself a depressed person - not that i really think there's anything wrong with that either. I was personally VERY embarassed when i went on the meds ... then stacey said " if you were a diabetic - you wouldn't be embarassed about taking meds .... you have an illness - it can be helped with the meds ... shut the fuck up and take them" ... ok, so i paraphrased ... but strangely enough my mom said almost the same thing when i finally told her i take the 'zac .... strangely - i consider myself a really genuinely happy person ... so when the funk strikes ... not the i "don't" wanna get out of bed funk .... the i "can't" get out of bed or function on my own ... the real depression, the real crying non stop, the real can't find joy in things that used to make me happy..... it's pretty serious .... but i know it will pass - and 'allison' will re-emerge .... and the villagers rejoiced.

oh, and have i said how good my hair looks today - cause it FUCKIN DOES .... someone's son needs to enjoy it this weekend - if you have any suitors - lemme know .....

and my parents - i'm amazed at them. i underestimated them for about 34 years and didn't even realize it. they're the best ever - i can only hope to be 1/2 the parents to my one day children that they have been to me.

now - i'm off for coffee and grits. but not in the same cup.

live it love it kiss it spank it
allison.


ok - so some bad things and feelings went on this morning .. and my cell phone BLEW UP with friends calling to check on me. i've said it before and i'll say it again - i have NO idea what i've done while on this earth to merit such amazing people in my life - i have friends who have been there for years and years like christine and ... friends who it seems like i've known for ever - like say - "the numbers", friends i know have to have carried over from another lifetime - like mary ... and a new friend who opened his ears for me and listened without judgement ... and i appreciate that - lots more than is realized. everyone's kindness is NOT lost on me.....

short version is, i'm fine - he's fine. we're all fine. and grown ass people.

i think some real actual live healing has begun - and that's some excellent news for today ... so yay me

i love you all, friends old and new.
i really do think 2005 is gonna fuckin' rock!! and as i heard at the office today, if you're gonna rock out, rock out with your cock out!