well i do.

first of all, right when you walk in the door ...

BLAM.

MAKEUP.

i adore makeup. not in a scary tammy faye kinda way. not in a scary goth child kaboki (sic) kinda way ... but in an, "I can't lose a ton of weight by this afternoon, but i CAN have a new lipgloss and feel pretty kinda way" i so should work for a cosmetics company. i really do love the stuff .. i feel in the makeup aisle the way a painter feels on the paint aisle of the local art supply store .... i love looking at the colors and stuff....it's just plain good stuff.

then you make your way to the end of the aisle and

BLAM

stuff to make your feet cute.
now if the men (man?) who reads this can't relate to the make up part ...PLEASE relate to the cute feet part. ALL PEOPLE appreciate nice feet. you don't have to have the whole polished toe extravaganza if that's not your thing - but smooth feet are always appreciated.....in all situations ... and men, here's another tip - ladies notice your feet. everytime. we notice. it says a LOT about you. we're not looking for "size" we're looking to see if your feet have seen a scrub brush or pumice stone in recent history ... i'm just saying. ( and don't worry - being seen buying a pumice store and lotion for the tootsies will NOT make you gay )

ok - so we have nice make up and cute feet - what's next

BLAM

hair stuff. happiness in a bottle. you can make your hair smell like pineapples, coconuts, lilacs, make the curly straight, make the straight shiny, hot oil or condition yourself into oblivion. these are all good thing - the women like the compliments from men about their good smelling hair - and the women appreciate a man who smells better than head and shoulders.... and hell, at most stores, if your hair is short - you can buy yourself some travel hair and have whip appeal within 30 seconds.

and here's where it get good ... turn another corner

BLAM

9 GABILLION soaps, bath gels,lotions, loofas, sugar scrubs, terry towels, razors, shave gels, exfoliators, smoothers, bubble baths, body butters....i mean come ON people. who doesn't feel better about just about EVERYTHING after a kick ass shower or bubble bath....even my dog gets a little spring in his step after a nice bath. not to mention 128 gabillion types of things to wash the makeup off with, tone, scrub, remove zits from, mask, and soothe your face with

( know where this is heading .... turn another corner)

BLAM

candy. fucking candy. as far as the eye can see. candy. hard candy. soft candy. chocolate. sugar free crap ( why bother - but that's another entry alltogether ) gi normous candy bars, wee tiny bars, bags of candy, single pieces, gum, mints, mints so hot they'll rip your mouth clean off, candy for kids, ( that grown ups like too ), the new stuff that most of the companies seem to be making in white chocolate these days {sidebar: is this a great country or what}.

corner....BLAM

stomach remedies for all that candy.
band aids for overzealous hair removal.
tylenol for everything else.

then.....

MAGAZINES. fashion, car, home, biker, music, photography, naked men, naked women, magazines for pet owners, parents, chocolate lovers, for people with short hair, blonde hair, african-american hair, curly hair, soap opera watchers, crafters, anything.

and while i'm leaving a million school supplies, toys, dancing hamsters, baby supplies, snacks, feminine products, and eyeglass repair kits out .... let's not forget that most stores also carry ICE CREAM

you can get makeup, stuff to wash the makeup off with, bath gel, lotion, razors, shampoo, conditioner, hair gel, hair dryer, hair spray, fake hair, make up, pumice stones, candy, magazines, cigarettes, lottery tickets, purple glitter pens, silly keychains, a dancing hamster AND ice cream all in one place.

we may have a moron for president - but i still say we have the best country in the world.