ok, so this isn't an entry about Jesus .... or Ralphie ....or Rudolph ....
it's about ME .... and really - that's what we've come to expect from this blog isn't it ....
so this year in many ways has been the worst of my life. i started it out of work, self esteem in the toilet, acting out in all manner of self destructive ways, hated myself, had lost my funny, the depression was KICKIN' .... but i still had my friends to hold me up. One day when things were awful, really awful - i had cried my eyes out and the doorbell rang. I was sure it was some kind of nasty bill collector letter - or something worse ..... but no. It was a gift certificate to my favorite spa in atlanta www.spasydell.com ....followed by a card filled with over 300 dollars. Please know that probably 70% of the people who sent money in this card i had never "met" they were friends i had met thru a messageboard about a book www.sweetpotatoqueens.com - do you hear me - people i didn't even know in flesh and blood cared for my happiness - when i felt alone and worthless... amazing.
I have friends that will call just to laugh .... to make me laugh ... to tell me that they love me (sidebar - if we become 'phone friends' or 'real friends' go ahead and prepare yourself for this - i tell ALL my friends that i love them when i hang up the phone or say goodbye- if you're my friend...you will know it - i will always tell you i love you) I have friends that will invite you to dinner - and come pick you up because you can't afford the gas money to get to them. Friends that send you care packages that include treats for your dog, that will send ten dollars and say " this is for chocolate and magazines only" .... and friends that let you love them back in the best way you can ... when you can't match them dollar for dollar. Friends that also will cry on your shoulder and let you be there for them.
I found a job FINALLY the day before my birthday - perhaps the best birthday present i'd ever gotten. The adjustment to the job was difficult...but i'm having fun. I laugh to the point of tears each and everyday - and that my friend doesn't suck ..... and with the job i finally had insurance again - and took the leap to begin my dance with prozac.... which may be the 3rd best thing that's ever happened to me. I felt guilty for taking it for a long time, like it was a charactor flaw - and i'd talk to people who said, my doctor recommened "X" for me - but i decided it wasn't worth the risk. To that i say - you weren't depressed. Down maybe, sad - sure ....not depressed. Not unable to get out of the bed...crying all day long...miserable. Prozac is a good thing.
I also have some great parents that i was less than a great daughter to. I have this awful pride, and i don't like to ask for help, and that foolish pride almost tore us all apart, this past week has been pointed, painful, and hopefilled all at the same time.
I also fell in love this year. Haven't fallen out of love yet - but got SMACKED in the head with the reality stick - and it's all going to be ok...we're all going to be ok.
I have one very best friend who risked our entire relationship this past week to do something for me that i was unable to do for myself. I will never be able to thank her enough.
I am at times your basic new age nightmare - but i do believe that God puts people in our lives for a reason. That I have a circle of friends that could only have been delivered to me by a Higher Being. I have been allowed the opportunity to start over, to begin anew, to breathe...and I WILL NOT TAKE A MOMENT OF IT FOR GRANTED.
To all my friends, especially Christine, Stacey, Lauren, Christel, Dande, Ann, Dara, Chaz, Greg, and Mary. I love you more than i can possibly say. This has been a most difficult time, and you have stood by me, held me up, wiped my tears, patted my head, told me i'd be ok, listened to me cry on the phone, sat in my den with me and listened WITHOUT ANY JUDGEMENT as i told you things i haven't told my therapist, the safety and love you have showed can never be expressed, measured, or understood. With every breath I thank God for you.
My Christmas wish has been answered time and time again with the smiles of friends, the love of family, and the feeling i now have of hope. I wish that and more for each and everyone of you.
I wish all of us a new year filled with peace, hope, love, calm, joy, laughter, bliss, love, and puppy kisses.
i love you all.