i know i haven't posted in a while, and i kept saying to myself ( and tex ) that i didn't have anything to say.

actually that's totally wrong. i have so much to say, but thing is i feel a great wave of honesty coming. thing is, i'm not scared that my friends who read this(and the people who read this with the hope of me being unhappy so they can sqawk about it in other blogs) and what their opinions of me might be or how they might change.

i'm a little concerned about my opinion of me and how that might change.

i've been introspection girl lately. i've read my cards, checked my numbers ( well, those numbers too ), gone back to church, meditated, prayed, cried, laughed, journaled, i've gotten out old hymnals and sung songs in my room that once brought me answers....and so far, i've yielded nothing.

i think i don't know the question to ask. and maybe that's cause i don't really want to know the answer yet. maybe the key is just to shut up and listen and watch. i was thinking and looking at this amazing tree in my front yard. that tree knows what to do and when. it knows when to bloom, when to be dormant and re-charge, when to shed and begin the process to renew.

i need to be able to do this. i seem to be spun up all the time. sometimes that manifests itself in being totally paralyzed, sometimes in manic panic, sometimes in uncontrollable crying jags, but rarely in calm.

that's my goal for the rest of this week, to stay in the calm. to bend like the tree, and to never forget that even in the darkest time, the light is there if i remember to look. ( nod to dumbledore there) ... and i am the light, it's in me. and in you, if i forget that, when i call you - remind me please.