an actual stamp that says "sucker"

'cause i'd like to see what others see, and by others, i mean men.

There are 2 men i have to take shit from.
1. Jesus.
2. My daddy.

It's been my experience that Jesus doesn't hand out much shit, and right now dad isn't doing it either. So that leaves the rest of you.

So, I got stood up (again) for my "birthday dinner" with X. Note I said "again". This part of it is my mistake. He should have been dead to me at stand up #1. My day was going along just fine. Felt cute - rockin a new kicky haircut, makeup looked good, and I was looking forward to the best burger and ice cold beer marietta georgia had to offer. And I'm sitting on the sofa reading a Sylvia Browne book ( shut up, they're actually really interesting if you're into the psychic stuff like I am ) and i'm reading, reading, reading.

5:00
5:15
5:30

now, x and i are casual about most dates, after work means, yes this is the day we're going out - and i'll ( meaning he ) will call as soon as he hits the car after work ( like 5:01) and we'll finalize etc.

at 6:00, i call him. voice mail. I hang up. 6:01 he calls back "i'm still at the office" me, " you didn't know that was going to happen at 5?" - him, all mopy and blah, says can i call you later, i could use a friend to talk to.

REALLY!?!?

I just got stood up for my FUCKING BIRTHDAY, and you need someone to talk to.

I had an offer for a first date with who is i'm sure a nice enough guy, but i said NO, I have plans. I didn't realize at that time that the plans were going to be for me to be cooking supper and walking the dog alone. And crying, big ugly cry - the I ACTUALLY CALLED MY MOTHER ABOUT IT cry.

Now, I know that he has to at least go into the active shunning pile now. ( and was THIS close to giving lola his cell phone number ) , I also know I have to figure out what is wrong with me.

I don't let women friends treat me like shit, or talk to me in any kinda way. But I let men.

Men consistently ( and no, i don't mean you) disappoint me, and yet, I feel like I need one to be 'complete'.

I'm so scared of never being married, never having a family of my own. But I don't think I believe in marriage. I know of almost none that work out.

I'm scared of being the crazy dog lady, with little teeny dogs that she pushes around in a stroller.

I'm scared I already met "the" guy - and missed him 'cause I was looking the other way. I'm scared that cause of REALLY bad choices I made, my karma ( and maybe dharma ) is so fucked up that I won't be 'allowed' a mate.

What if Al Green dies before a man I love dances with me at one of his concerts?

What if I never get to hold my baby girl and dance around the den to "Tupelo Honey"?

What if this is as good as it's ever going to be?