Wednesday, May 31, 2006
This year I'd like

an actual stamp that says "sucker"

'cause i'd like to see what others see, and by others, i mean men.

There are 2 men i have to take shit from.
1. Jesus.
2. My daddy.

It's been my experience that Jesus doesn't hand out much shit, and right now dad isn't doing it either. So that leaves the rest of you.

So, I got stood up (again) for my "birthday dinner" with X. Note I said "again". This part of it is my mistake. He should have been dead to me at stand up #1. My day was going along just fine. Felt cute - rockin a new kicky haircut, makeup looked good, and I was looking forward to the best burger and ice cold beer marietta georgia had to offer. And I'm sitting on the sofa reading a Sylvia Browne book ( shut up, they're actually really interesting if you're into the psychic stuff like I am ) and i'm reading, reading, reading.

5:00
5:15
5:30

now, x and i are casual about most dates, after work means, yes this is the day we're going out - and i'll ( meaning he ) will call as soon as he hits the car after work ( like 5:01) and we'll finalize etc.

at 6:00, i call him. voice mail. I hang up. 6:01 he calls back "i'm still at the office" me, " you didn't know that was going to happen at 5?" - him, all mopy and blah, says can i call you later, i could use a friend to talk to.

REALLY!?!?

I just got stood up for my FUCKING BIRTHDAY, and you need someone to talk to.

I had an offer for a first date with who is i'm sure a nice enough guy, but i said NO, I have plans. I didn't realize at that time that the plans were going to be for me to be cooking supper and walking the dog alone. And crying, big ugly cry - the I ACTUALLY CALLED MY MOTHER ABOUT IT cry.

Now, I know that he has to at least go into the active shunning pile now. ( and was THIS close to giving lola his cell phone number ) , I also know I have to figure out what is wrong with me.

I don't let women friends treat me like shit, or talk to me in any kinda way. But I let men.

Men consistently ( and no, i don't mean you) disappoint me, and yet, I feel like I need one to be 'complete'.

I'm so scared of never being married, never having a family of my own. But I don't think I believe in marriage. I know of almost none that work out.

I'm scared of being the crazy dog lady, with little teeny dogs that she pushes around in a stroller.

I'm scared I already met "the" guy - and missed him 'cause I was looking the other way. I'm scared that cause of REALLY bad choices I made, my karma ( and maybe dharma ) is so fucked up that I won't be 'allowed' a mate.

What if Al Green dies before a man I love dances with me at one of his concerts?

What if I never get to hold my baby girl and dance around the den to "Tupelo Honey"?

What if this is as good as it's ever going to be?

posted by Allie @ 5/31/2006 09:46:00 PM
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8 Comments:

At 1:26 AM, Blogger Allie#3ga said...

dear sol,

begone.

don't bother responding, it too will be deleted.

just go away.

 
At 8:18 AM, Blogger Tasty said...

Sweetest friend, I hate that you had to have the big ugly cry.

However, it sounds like to me that you've recognized something you can fix. And it sounds like fear is hanging around like it does for ALL OF US. (Excuse me, Fear? Go the fuck away. You don't belong there with her. Allie now has no room left for you whatsoever, as she will be filling up all your previously-occupied space with Love.)

Also, Sexypants, Karma is too vague for this application. Let's just go with Jesus on this one. "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." No qualifiers, no you-missed-the-boat caveats... just delight and receive.

 
At 10:10 AM, Blogger christ*el #3tx said...

anyway, your birthday is tomorrow... and i KNOW what i got you. and i also KNOW you will love it.. and i KNOW EVEN MORE that the rest of the shit that DIDN'T make it to the mailbox you will shriek with glee whence i can lay my eyeballs upon you.

 
At 10:43 AM, Blogger Lola said...

I WANT THAT NUMBER. he doesn't have to know it is me. i can call forth pain that he has yet to imagine...or at least really inconvenient annoyances. there is a guy in guyana that wants to give him a share of 3 million dollars if only he can borrow his bank account for about ten minutes.


al green has promised to not die until Boo Boo gets off his ass to come dance with you...and until i have the opportunity to dance with you at one of his shows too. i know my kharma's fine so i know that to be true.

and open up for the LOVE! you are more than deserving of it. just wait'll i find those grants.

 
At 3:29 PM, Blogger Tasty said...

Well, dang! Apparently karma isn't too vague for this application!!!!! WOOT!

 
At 11:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

dinner at home CAN be a good thing :)

pnut

 
At 12:03 PM, Blogger christ*el #3tx said...

SHUT UP!!!! was that THE peanut?

 
At 10:17 PM, Blogger Allie#3ga said...

it appears that WAS in fact a peanut post by.

and thanks girls, i hope you all know just how much i adore you...and i think you know.

 

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