Monday, April 04, 2005

I’m feeling wordy today – and I may or may not post this when I finish writing. I can already tell this will have no proofreading for grammar or for content so consider yourself forwarned.

I have someone I want to talk to so much my head hurts. I have another someone I’m so excited about kissing I can’t wait for this next week or so to pass. I have someone I would so love to be “real” friends with it’s almost silly.

I have someone that has some of the same quirks and fears as me. And I think that while we’re already friends … this would be SUCH a great person to just sit and watch television with. Like a gay boyfriend, but not gay. Only time and space keep us from being the “real world” friends I know we could be … and that part makes me sad. I know he used to feel the same way – and I’m hoping he still does, cause we need to work on that part of us…cause it’s amazing to have a man’s opinion on things – that has no interest in the pink parts..

I’ve been thinking a lot about love and commitment lately. For so long I felt ( or just assumed ) that I wasn’t worthy of romantic love … and settled for whatever was around. Then in one of those moments where you’re by yourself and in the quiet and are listening to what’s out there – I realized that I have the most amazing friends in the world. I’m worthy of that, why wouldn’t I be worthy of the romantic love too. I’m not afraid to risk putting myself out there for friends … and friends have hurt or disappointed me more than a lover EVER could … and I was shy about the man stuff. I’m still trying to figure out that one. I’m the queen of the crush, I get crushes daily … but when I think of real love. Love that the joy of made me happier than I ever dreamed and the sorrow of tehe loss of it was almost more than I could take has happened only once….and about this time last year – I was sure that somehow we would work out and I would be with him forever, no matter who it hurt or what happened. I now realize that of course that won’t happen… but the feelings are still there, I still have that place in my heart where he lives… I still have the fantasy of him showing up at my door…I don’t know what I’d do if that happened … but I think about it.

This thought disappoints people I know. I ‘ve spent hours on the phone with friends crying, sorrowful, angry, and lost talking about this man. I have male friends and female friends who have been proud of me for letting the dream of him go. … but lately I keep thinking about him. And if my vibe is right – he’s thinking about me too.

When does that stop? Do I want it to stop?

The answers to that are I don’t know, and I don’t know.

I do know that I believe in love. I do know that I believe I’m worthy of being loved back, and I’m working on believing that will happen.

Until then, I’m gonna continue to work on making me stronger and my friendships stronger.

I have a feeling I’ll be adding to this…but I hope my friends know I love them, and I hope that the ltt knows I mean him too.

posted by Allie @ 4/04/2005 12:34:00 PM


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