today seems a wee bit better ... but i'm swamped at work... writing this on my lunch break ... but i think i'll have an actual real post from home tonight.

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Ok so I’m gonna write at lunch after all.

Last night was bad. Big ugly cry bad. I talked to #3tx last night and cried …then she put her hubby on the phone, I talked to him for a few and he said “it’s all gonna be so ok, (and then in the sweet baby voice) I love you” so needless to say ( so I’m going to say it ) when christel got back on the phone I was in the WEEPY bad place. … so I did what any normal red blooded American girl does – I went and bought some makeup, and BEER. Then I talked to Stacey later and cried more. I’m just tired of being lonely.

And while I was talking to Stacey – she said the right thing ( like she always does ) that she was working on being “her” all the time. And I had this wonderful/terrible/scary ‘aha’ moment. I don’t know if I really recognize the real Allison anymore. I’ve spent so much time trying to be what other’s wanted me to be. What does the real me look like anymore…would I recognize her, would I like her…would anyone like her.

This is me: scared, lonely, strong, fragile, angry, silly, lover, hater, insecure, disappointed … but also happy, light, free, calm, truth.

I know some people are all “this is just who I am, fuck ‘em if they don’t like it “ – I tend to think that that is some bullshit behavior that covers the same fears we all have … but what if you’ve worked so hard to create your mask …. That even you’re not sure what the real is …. If you like it …. Or if others will…

I’m a scared girl today.