Wednesday, March 16, 2005
not knowin'

sometimes the numbers talk in a sorta shorthand. one thing we say is instead of saying "i don't know" we say "not knowin"

this is how i feel about a lot of things.

i write in here because i want to - and it's really honest. sometimes i think too much. sometimes i open up way too much and get serious feelings involved when maybe it's not the best idea. but i refuse to be someone who doesn't play out of fear of getting hurt.

i write how i feel when i'm feeling it - i'm sure sometimes it's funnier than others, and sometimes a downer .. but sometimes that's how i feel. i got the vibe yesterday that others can feel badly about themselves then read my blog and feel really good about their station in life. that bothers me - cause what you are missing is the big picture. i'm a girl with depression. i'm a girl with some troubles. i'm not a depressed and troubled girl.

those are very different things.

i'm going thru some things - but the key word is THRU .... i'm actively taking steps to make things better - and i have more resources than anyone could dream of - from my best friend, to my AMAZING numbers, to my dear friend who i hurt with words last night, to my friend that i think of every single day, but stay away from cause it's a have to not a want to.

i have a good family, i have my own house ( 2 story brick thank you very much ), a dog who adores me, online friends, phone friends, cute boys to kiss on ... and a million other things.

i don't need or want you pity.


and one more thing. i sometimes think my words don't come accross the way i intend them to in print unless you "know" me ... the cadence of my speech tells way more than the words. sometimes in print i seem serious when i'm joking, angry when i'm not... and prolly vice versa.

please give me the benefit of not intentionally being an ass hole. i'm sure i can be a ROYAL one ( cause really, anything having to do with a royal title - i'm for ) but i don't intend it ... and when i find out i've hurt someone - the sorrow and the tears i cry are real.

i'm sorry, and i love you.

posted by Allie @ 3/16/2005 10:46:00 AM


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