Tuesday, August 10, 2004
08/07/04 - 08/10/04

Tuesday, August 10, 2004
blogger is cranky today
i'm having posting issues - but if i have anything really profound or funny to say - i'll start calling people and letting you know!!!
posted by allie @ 10:19 AM

so, sometimes i'm really funny
it seems that even when things are their crappiest, i'm still one funny motherfucker. i was talking to a girlfriend of mine - of of my most favorite in the world ever (not one of the #3's - but she should be ) and after she put her brother on the phone ( who i'm SO in love with - is that wrong ?? ) the funny started. she and i were taking about our inability to do the whole casual sex thing - how a commitment was necessary for those kind of relations ... and i said " well i am very particiular about what goes in my vagina" now damnit people that's funny. I make her snort with laughter so i knew my work was done. Then she helped me with my pining for this man that i can never have and don't know if i honestly even "want" him .... or if it's one of those "you know you can't have him so it makes you want him more" things ... and as i was talking about it i realized that man has baggage and " that baggage ain't got no wheels" so why would i possibly be attracted to that - and i was reminded that i'm fucked up. well, those weren't the words that were used - but the message was the same ..... however that being said .... last night was better than the night before - even though it still included crying on the phone to the west virginia contingency..... but my beloved friends talked me down from the tree and made sure i was ok .... it was sweet, she asked if i was " safe " and i assure her i was MUCH more homicidal than suicidal.... i knew if i could still make a joke - we'd all be ok for one more night.thank you to my friends ... i love all of you - and still can't WAIT for the under the sweater action from you. ( and some of your brothers!! )
posted by allie @ 10:16 AM

Monday, August 09, 2004
ok so here's my question of the moment
why would i care who someone else loves? ie - who care's if someone is gay or not. now i can think about how i would feel as a parent, maybe i would have to change my "picture" or "dream" for them, but they'd still be my kid....now if i married someone and they turned out to be gay - i can imagine the anger i'd have and the questioning of my own "womanliness" but would the pain be any less if he cheated with another woman? cheating and pain is cheating and pain. i was witness to a discussion today about homosexuality and it still sorta startles me. i can understand homophobia, sexism, even to some extent racism in the "older" generation - but when it's people my age-ish...it gives me pause to wonder.i come from the school of thought of why the hell would i care if someone is gay - i'm not. but why would they care if i'm not?? i ask this as someone who ( god help me for using this cliche') has 2 of her best friends in the world who are a gay couple and several gay friends that i'd do anything for. is their love or emotion or joy any less "valid" than mine - cause i happen to dig the men? and my follow up to that is WHO CARES? what does it effect. like my stance on abortion - if you're against it dont' have one ... if you're against the gay lifestyle - don't participate it in .... and who cares if it's a "choice" or "born" in you ( the gay thing) is one better or more important or more relevant than the other ... i don't understand the logic behind even the question...and people like to throw the whole bible thing in there to state their case. now using the bible as a weapon of judgement and hate is a good way to piss this girl off. i don't need someone else to act as a go between me and god... nor does anyone else .... the bible also states i can sell my people as a slave to a neighboring country - ( does candaian money or mexican money have a higher trade ratio now) it also says that you can't eat shellfish or pork - yet i KNOW lots 'o' straight people who pork it up on a regular basis.i know this is rambly - but goddamnit - this is my blog and i can say what i want to .... i guess long story short - i don't get it... and i'm disappointed by it.
posted by allie @ 7:04 PM

ick kack.
ever have that day where even Van Morrison and a good cup of coffee can't make you happy? I have finally come to the place where I can admit that I have a problem with depression and I'm gonna do something about it. I think I can finally admit that it's not a charactor flaw, or make me a weak person. or any of those guilt trips I've thrown on myself in the past when I've thought about this and yet done nothing. The past 16 months or so have been the worst ever -and it's time to go about turning that around. I'm not exactly sure what that is going to look like. I've considered selling my house and finding another job in another town and getting out of dodge. I've considered going back to school for something WAY different than social services, I'm considering becoming that size 12 alcoholic I always knew I could be. But what i do know, is that i can't feel like this anymore. I can't be unhappy all the time. I can't feel alone every moment of the day. I can't be sad doing things that used to make me happy, I can't compramise my happiness for someone else's anymore. And i can't wait for other people to approve for me to do what's right for me. I have to stop living to please everyone else and just please me...if it upsets or angers those around me - that just has to be what happens. I'm tired of doing everything to please everyone else but me. Tired of saying yes when i want to SCREAM no. Tired of doing something cause it will please someone else when all i want to do is be alone. Tired of being alone when all i want to do is be with someone else. Tired of not being comfortable in my own skin or happy in my own house.I'm just tired. But maybe with therapy and pharmacology - I can find the happy allie again.I hope so. Cause I miss her.

posted by Allie @ 8/10/2004 09:33:00 AM


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